Song’s a banger, starts a little slow, don’t make ‘em like they used to.

4 years now i’ve been hooping and hollering that TODAY’S GONNA BE THE DAY! Today is the day we’re gonna add shit and make the game!”

Got knee deep in random shit yesterday that I can’t even remember. Did a bit of optimizations and tangled up in tags. Been feeling a little bleh, but that’s fine, I’m more and more convinced it’s a “psychological echo”. I know it’s cringe but imma blather about my health really fast (Ok, we kinda got carried away). A couple years ago I was a total drunkard, I didn’t really give a damn about the future, was in a pretty dark space, and I would just drink and drink because fuck it, what’s the point in this stupid world? It’s ok if I drink till I die, I need to take the edge off so I can get back to work! Endless rationalizations.

I didn’t know it at the time but I was type 2 diabetic, nothing uncommon these days with the garbage we fill ourselves with. I’ve always been in pretty great shape despite being pretty sedentary lately, just figured I could put whatever I wanted in my gut. My drinks of choice were 4 Loco’s and fireball, gin and tonics, rums and cokes, margaritas, 40’s of Mickey’s. 

Who am I kidding I’d drink whatever. Just anything cheap and preferably loaded with sugar and booze.

Well my blood sugar was spiking to god knows fucking what. My vision was getting really blurry and my head was foggy for months on end. I just figured, “God damn, 40 is hitting me HARD”. It was actually pretty terrifying, but my life has been out of sorts for some time, and I was pretty distrustful of doctors and didn’t have coverage or easy means of seeing them. It is what it is.

After a particularly hard binge weekend, I got a hangover worse than anything I’d ever experienced before. I seriously thought I was just going to die, finally did a home blood glucose test on a whim and it was 420. I can only imagine the astronomical levels it was at while I was binging fireballs and 4 Locos and eating candies for days on end.

Let me also state that I’m not proud of this at all, being a self destructive fucktard has had a supremely negative affect on my project. No one should do this petulant shit and it’s had really terrible impact on my health over the years and I’m paying for it now. 

Ever since that moment, that was kind of the catalyst moment that I think caused these “echoes” of breathlessness. It all started at that moment, likely started by a huge spike in blood sugar followed by a horrific hangover and dehydration which shocked my system and caused this recurring stress response. 

I talked to Grok the other day, and it seemed to think that’s what happened. Could be wrong, but this is the closest thing I’ve gotten to anything that makes sense.

I went to the ER a few times since then when my breathing was really bad and they couldn’t find anything wrong, checked blood, did EKG’s, heart scan, all normal. But eventually one doctor threw me a bone and put me on Lexapro, and ever since then it’s gone from debilitating, to kinda manageable. It comes and goes and can last for weeks at a time, but when it’s not here I feel as though I have my life back. It only gets to about as bad as ½ as it did before and only half as frequently. Could be worse.

Also ever since that moment I feel as though i’ve been cured of alcoholism, have had a few fun weekends since then, but it no longer pervaids my thoughts all the time, I don’t need it anymore, so it’s a bit of a blessing and a curse. I don’t miss it at all, it’s been a supremely negative element in my life that I used as a crutch to try to get out of my shell, get out and get stupid and enjoy life from time to time. But I never really learned to invest in the parts of life that mattered, it got in the way of my ambitions and took up all my free time. If I weren’t blackout drunk, i’d be wallowing with a hangover. Didn’t read good books, didn’t join clubs or pursue things that could further my career. So many good times lost to the bottle, black out nights playing dota listening to music like a fucktard. All gone, nothing gained.

Not that there’s anything wrong with enjoying yourself from time to time. Work hard, play hard and all that. It’s all about the balance.

Anyway, all this time I’ve been worried we had some horrible affliction that would end us early, I’m thinking more and more it might all be psychological, luckily we might just be some little bitch suffering from some kind of panic attack XD, and while that’s doesn’t diminish how much of a bummer it is, or how much of an impact it has on forward progress, what it does mean is more and more I’m less stressed about it getting in the way of us finishing the project, the new stress is that AI games will surpass us in the near future and my old ass that can’t learn any new tricks will simply be eclipsed. 

But truthfully I think we have a couple more years of grace before that happens. It’s one thing for AI to copy shitty games and get a asteroids clone put together, it’s another ENTIRELY to push systems BEYOND what has been done before. All AI is right now is a really fancy cheat machine to steal other’s code and repurpose it a bit. We do a lot of things our own way and I’m really proud of that. But who’s to say our repository won’t be yanked from the internet without us knowing and used in someone else’s project using our hard earned code practices? Eh, whatever. No point stressing about it, maybe we’ll get to benefit from improved coding setups in the future ourselves.

Ask any gamedev and they’ll say if they had the stamina and focus to just work on their project 15 hours a day. And sometimes we’re still able to crank that out, hell yeah for that. And some days even though we want to push harder, we can only eek out 3. And that’s fine, better than nothing, project is getting closer and closer!

Whew wasn’t planning a super pity party, rambling about our health. I know it’s self indulgent/ cringe, but whatever, it’s out blog, our health is in fact tied to our dev. So as much as I wish we were cranking out a 12 hour day today, we’re kinda feeling a little bleh.

Still going to get a bit of work done! I want to at least get some spawns in the world, and who knows what else. 

I dream of some amazing 12 hour day where we hit it hard and everything comes online all at once. But who cares if we have that epic day or not? One step at a time, we get there when we get there.

Holy shit can I just say the world is changing FAST! All these years we’ve been kicked into the mud while the smarm fucks enjoyed their statures on their high horses, scratching backs, kissing rings, monopolizing store fronts, tweeking algorithms, loading mod teams, dictating the public discourse and infiltrating the whole of our public square. Free from the burden of execution.

Their subversions are all crumbling. And I couldn’t be more fucking happy. I feel vindicated, I feel at ease that our future is open again, and I do feel a sense of satisfaction in seeing the tides turn against them, turnabout is fair play.

I know others will now come out and champion truth justice and the american way now that it’s easy. They’ll push their way to the front of the line, and a whole new crowd will kick us into the dirt. It’s the nature of the beast.

We’re going to remain true to our mission. We’re gonna make the best fucking video game a lone idiot fucktard can. 

No politics, no favoritism. Even fucking Steven.

May the best game win shit k*ckers