Edit: Got a little dark with this one. Just wanted to preface by saying things are fine. Things will be fine. But it's been a long hard road.

I had a rough day. Rough week. Rough decade. Bit mainic lately with these crazed hours. Trying for a mad dash to get this out before we're old and all our good days are behind us. And it's a losing race, because no matter how hard we strain, no matter how intense our heart beats, the blood splatters on the floor and we find ourselves drifting behind.

EIGHT FUCKING YEARS THIS IS OUR LIFE. 

Tired of all of it. Like sure, the world is unfair, but the collective STUPIDITY is ASTOUNING, it is REMARKABLE. Sometimes I have to pinch myself. I wake up in the morning and I think it's all a bad dream, I wait for a moment to wake up.

ONLY FUCKING THING THAT MATTERS IN THIS STUPID FUCKING MACHINE IS YOU LICK EVERYONE ELSE'S ASSHOLES ABOVE AND SING KUMBAY-FUCKING-A. AND IF YOU'RE AT THE TOP, YOU JUST TURN THAT FUCKING WHEELE, YOU FUCKING CHURN ANY MOTHER FUCKER THAT MIGHT GET IN THE WAY OF THAT TROUGH FILLING WITH OUR GUTS

8 FUCKING YEARS we've been working on this. 2 weeks away from the game coming together the entire time. The entirity of the world up its own ass and doing just fine.

Every single fucking night I set to work on this project, the most lazy, circle jerking, do nothing fuck heads stroke everyone's ego and  sail on to all the fucking money and comfort as they contribute NOTHING to this fucking world. LESS THAN NOTHING.

Forgive me if i'm sour, forgive me if I'm pissed. I HAVE BEEN BUSTING MY ASS FOR OVER A DECCADE IN THIS INDUSTRY AND IT HAS AMOUNTED TO JACK FUCKING SHIT. AS PEOPLE FAWN OVER ALL THE FUCK STAINS THAT MIGHT LOSE THEIR EASY FUCKING JOBS THEY HAD FOR A FULL DECADE WHERE THEY DID FUCK ALL.

This industry IS A FUCKING JOKE.

Usually when I finish up a 8+ hour dev session I upload a work session to YouTube and i'll call it something like, "Whoa, great day of work!"

I REALLY thought we'd be moving on to more pressing things, but I'm on about the 4th day in a row of busting my ass trying to get all this shit in order.

These tasks are ABSOLUTELY the most PAIN IN THE ASS, MOST FUCKING IMPORTANT shit to getting a game online.

And no one gives a fuck.

Even the most popular people who speak about games have NO FUCKING IDEA the pain points and bottlenecks that lead to projects falling apart.

Am I scaring potential collaborators publishers away?

Don't fucking care.

What's it fucking matter? People only want to work with other safe fucking dip shits who do absolutely nothing like they do.

I am so fucking tired. I am so fucking burned out. I have been due for the SLIGHTEST BIT of a return on this project FOR OVER 6 FUCKING YEARS NOW.

I used to be accused that I "didn't care" in college. I was too focused on work, I took offense to other people fucking off and not doing their work.

I had this innate notion that somehow the world was designed to produce things of value. Our monetary systems, our institutions, the companies hiring people.

WOW WHAT A FUCKING DIP SHIT I WAS!

SHOULDA JUST FUCKIGN SAT AROUND AND TOLD EVERYONE HOW FUCKIGN WONDERFUL EVERYTHING IS WHILE THE ENTIRE FUCKING INDUSTRY CRATERED INTO SHIT.

And I'M the asshole!? Me who fucking worked his fucking ass off, slaved to pull the team across the finish line against outrageous demands and as projects spiralled out of control.

Time and time again I fought so people might have a job the next day, did what I could to keep the project on track.

I FUCKING CARED

Every other son of a bitch fucking gave up. Everyone else relied on back scratching and weaseling their way through connections and brown nosing the supervisors.

Good fucking lord this world is a meat grinder. If you stick to an OUNCE of principle, if you hold others to the SLIGHTEST accountability. You're branded a fucking evil demon.

Deep breath...

I sincerly hope today was the last of the deep and painful revisions that needed doing. I hate this. If I knew people were excited for the project, if I thought the world was fair and we were inching towards some kind of payday, this would be so much more tolerable. Each and every day we're just some dip shit fucking loser working solo on some stupid fish game in an industry that wants to see us fail, after destroying all the mechanisms that kept it healthy.

If anyone was reading this, you're likely gone. But for what it's worth. It's been 8 fucking years of nothing but sacrifice and pain, and working hard just trying to make what I thought we be a fun project that the world would enjoy and have fun with.

Over those 8 years I learned not only is this industry utterly incompetent, but fully nepotistic, fully hateful, fully turned into a cult that will destroy anyone outside their sphere.

Probably silly to upload a blog such as this when things are all in all finally going kinda well, and this industry is imploding and maybe we can rise from the ashes.

Just this once, while my mind is scrambled, when I'm at my wits end, when I have bled all day long into doing the absolute most tedious work imagineable for a world that doesn't give one solitary shit, I wanted to catalogue this frustration.

Absolutely gutted by what's become of this world. 10 of what should have been the best years of my life are gone. I never got to rise in my career, never got to find a decent paying job, get my own place, start a real life.

It's all gone. It's never coming back.

And as we've sat here whipped, and these lovey dovey assholes manhandled the industry and lived the high life, they looked down in the most smug ways imaginable.

Year on year we have slowly decayed into the dirt. Hoping against hope that MAYBE there was some ray of sanity out there. SOME path to salvatin, some benevolent force that would see all the hard work going into this project and lend a helping hand, a force that also wanted to make great games, without any of the bullshit.

Ok, that's it. This is the one time I'm going to just be a miserable cranky, worthless, whiney fucking loser. At least in a public post.

And we get to do it all over again tomorrow...

Oh boy.

I'm going to wake up tomorrow and be excited for the project again. And overall as of late I've been in a much better headspace. But for some time things were not well. Like so many others we WERE abandoned, we WERE wronged by this disgusting industry. Since SeaCrit's inception it has always been my #1 priority to make this as great a game as possible, and to hopefully share this with the world. Not just the game, but the process. I wanted to shine light on the darkness that is gamedev, bring it into the light so this bullshit never happens again to hard working devs out there who just wanted to earn a living doing the one thing in this world they were ever any good at...

These trying times are almost over. There is only so much game to create, this frustration, this bleeding out is finite. We're almost done.

...And then we move on to making some fish, items and building up the world. It's not going to be fun or easy, but it will be better than this horrific slog we have been putting ourselves through the past week. Wish I had the energy and acuity to write this as well as I would hope to, this might be the blog post I have delayed writing above all others, and for good reason. Some things probably shouldn't be said, but some things shouldn't be done. 

It's a small consolation to vent this petulant bullshit.

Sorry for the crazed blog, but I've never been in such a mood. After all that's happened, after thinking we were crazy, after thinking maybe the world is against us and that it's all bullshit. For so long I sat here and thought it was me, I was the crazy one. Everyone else was nice and great but I was clearly a bad apple. And we turned and turned.

And now here we are.

I don't know what the future holds, when I say sometimes I'm more terrified of success than I am failure I'm not bullshiting. I genuinely fear what this world would do if we managed to get our head above water and gasp for air as they seek to strangle us.