Do you ever just take a moment to wonder about just how absolutely confusing and batshit crazy the world is?

PREFACE: More than any blog, I think this is just me having to vent and get some stuff off my mind. I absolutely cannot focus as of late with all the craziness in the world. It's never made sense, but more than every I'm coming to realize i wasn't crazy or stupid. The world truly has become a mucked up game of nonesense. It's hard to focus and try to do work on a complex project when you know the world around you is bullshit. Probably a frustrating and depressing read, not sure it accomplishes anything. I should probably read it over, take out some excess expletives and tighten it up a bit, but I'm just so fucking over everything right now.

There are so many motives for our behaviors:

We may be misinformed

We might be lying to benefit ourselves, or we might be lying to save others from being hurt

We might lie to appease others and protect ourselves

We might just be trolling

And the way we filter this information which is often lies, is most often weighed in a manner of "does this fit my inherent bias?". Does this information embolden me to take action against my percieved enemies and cut them down, or does it weaken my notions of motivation?

Without motivation we are failing, we are falling behind and no longer competing in this game of life. We must be correct, we must be righteous! We will have the moral mandate to seize all the resources, we will have all the power! We will enact our will on the world and destroy our evil enemies who would certainly do the same to us! 

ALL IS FAIR IN LOVE AND WAR!

Apologies but my mind gets so scattered trying to relay this notion of mass chaos in the world so i'm going to be all over the place.

Hundreds of years ago we had much closer to a barter system. It was much easier to quantify what someone's worth was. If you made shoes, if you could make 2 pairs of shoes a day, your worth was the profit of 2 shoes a day. Easy right? No room for madness. Do work, provide a service, the better you are at providing that service the more your worth grows if you exercise those talents providing that service.

Obviously there are others factors at play. The scarcity of that service, if you open shop in an area with a large volume of clientele so there is no cap on your profits, etc.

You had to be industrious. You had to apprentice and learn these skills, you had to perform a task, a quantifiable task from which your worth was easily measured.

But now we have large corporations and huge buildings with millions of cubes all over the world where people sit around, open their excel documents and pretend to do things of value. And in this value becomes "foggy" and there is far more room for politics and back scratching. There's far more room for the white lies and blind eyes for people to stop caring about working hard, about valuing various aspects of character.

We now live in a world where schmoozing, smiling, cracking jokes, and playing the game is far more valuable to our success than any tangible truth.

Am I communicating this well enough? I always feel like I'm not able to properly convey this greater madness.

But in light of the election I see so many people so out of their mind with fear and outrageous rationalizations for why they despise other people and fear them, that I'm left wondering...

Do they know how much they are allowing their biases and emotions influence them? And if they do, do they believe that other people are just as manipulative and disingenuous as they are to validate this behavior? Do they care?

Do you see what I'm getting at? Do people lack honor and sensibility because they are unaware of the truth? Hypnotized by fear? Mind controlled by outside indoctrinations?

Or do they fully understand the game?

Sometimes for a fractoin of a moment we can percieve the truth, but it's too hard to bear that we might be in the wrong so we quickly file it away. Our mind is always looking for that escape from the cold waters of accountability, from being in a situation where we will be at fault, at a disadvantage.

Our minds do not filter information and reality in an effort to understand the world, they function to catagorize data, and social relationships in such a way as to give us the greatest statures and most wealth and social capital.

But this is all compounded, because most all people DO have good in them. We want to help others, we want to be accountable, we don't want to be monsters. Well most of us anyhow.

This is such a heavy conversation with so many factors that it's almost impossible to have a conversation about because the elemnts at play that form the basis of our ego's and our conceptualization of the world are simultaniously so complex with influences from academia, news, social media, entertainment, etc. While at the same time we are greatly influenced by carnal desired and base natures of survival and bias, further compounded by guilt and manipulations of that guilt.

I really should have played that Eurhythmics song about people being abusers and people who want to be abused "sweet dreams", but I just like Land of Confusion more :P

There are billions and billions of people in this world. For some reason some of us all wake up at the same time, all drive to a building to do some task that could be accomplished by a small handful of competent, talented people, and we all do this song and dance of lies and deceit where crooks and liars exploit an army of grunts who are lazy and petulant to try to produce some service or goods so that they can get some pieces of paper so they can buy a fancier car. And before this we all went to schools which are just glorified daycare centers where we learn a bunch of lies and some rudimentary skills that won't translate to decent jobs, because anyone with  genuine talent and valuable skills will be off making money elsewhere. And we all pretend like we give a damn about the coming gneration because you get social currency for doing so, but all the while these kids rot in this stale, boring jail cells where they're taught garbage, by tired and bored "educators" who have given up on doing anything of excitement, and we don't do anything to excite children or show them the world, or find their unique talents and gear exciting and valuable experiences for them so they can grow up and enrich the world.

Like holy shit how fucking incompetent, incompetent, self serving, and detrimental to one another are we?

We are living in a world of abject fuckign stupidity and lies and animosity where everyone wakes up in the morning with the solitary goal of doing the absolute least ammount of work, projecting the absolute most evils onto others, and gaming the system as hard as possible, while believing everyone else is the problem.

Ok, I'm getting a little carried away. But you get the idea.

The world is nothing but chaos. It's bad ideas turned into tradition, turned into a tired routine of no value that we can't change because we're had so much agency stripped from us, so much ambition festered, that we have no idea why the fuck we do literally anything.

We all buy into the big lie, a grand SeaCrit:

That any of this has any fucking meaning whatsoever, or that anyone is in fucking control.

We were all born into this world, sent to the corner, told to shut up and be quiet and let the adults do their thing. Then we grew up and all we know are the base routines that others decided were best for us.

We are slaves to this grand machine, we are all beholden to these nonsensical bullshit pull this lever at this time 3 times, then spin in a circle, then say you love badgers, tick this box, or you'll lose your car! Be afraid of this! Be afraid of that! This is your enemy! Here is your ally! Don't speak ill of this, but definitly demonize that!

Fucking WHY!?

And all of this madness is cloaked in being for the greater good, it's all cloaked in us helping ourselves. Then we wake up, we get in our car, we drive to some fucking building, and we spend our entire day doing JACK FUCKING SHIT. Then we drive back.

How many of us get to make a tangible decision... ABOUT ANYTHING that affects this world to any degree?

Sure you can choose to blow all your money on a big TV. You can choose to have a beligerant weekend and go to work hung over on Monday. You can choose to settle down and have a family.

But when have you ever felt you had any control over our destiny? When did you ever feel as though you had the right to exercise your right to life liberty and the pursuit of happiness? 

Maybe you really like sandwiches, and you make a really great sandwich. You love making your own dough, coming up with inventive new creations with neat new ingredients. You better save up 500k fucking dollars to open a shop somewhere, you better spend years getting your food license, you better hope that there are people that will actually show up to your hole in the wall shop in this society dominated by people plugged into a machine where only commercials will let anyone know your place exists. And at the end of the day, having an appealing font, a catchy slogan, the right color scheme, and a solid ad campaign, with the right location will be far more important than your ability to make a quality sandwich. To say nothing of how people these days eat slop and have deteriorating pallets where the only thing kids wanna eat any more is high fructose, processed garbage.

FUCK

Do I even have a point with this post? I thought I had a point. I feel like I'm just going the fuck off.

Does anyone give a fuck about anything any more? I try to connect with people out in the wilds of twitter, and on rare occasions in real life, and it's like amidst all this chaos, and decay and this existential threat to us of nihilism and incompetence and the increasingly heavy lies and growing animosities and unforgiveable actions, as we all learn to be more and more comfortable with all this nothing, all this bullshit.

Are we just as disengenous and self serving as everyone else? I like to think I'm fighting the good fight. But do I only give a fuck about this stuff because I'm engaging with it, because it serves me? If I didn't have a penchent for gamedev would I be playing the usual political games and smarms to develop the usual connections and world views that create these self serving pockets of madness?

Are we all the same? Are we all self serving and blind to our faults?

I know we're not. I know that we're all shades of grey fighting our own battles with our own perspectives and our own notions of what's good and evil and in this giant melting pot of billions of people, all fighting for our own meaning with our own lot in life and our own baggage weighing on us in multitudes of ways that others can't even perceive.

Say what you want about this crazy life, you can't say it's not interesting.

I REALLY want to will myself to work on the project right now, but I'm just so overwhelmed by everything, and I feel like I have no outlet. This blog sorta helps, but is this a true outlet? I feel like I need to get out of this damned cave, connect with people, see what other people's perspectives are, but not on the shithole of reddit, twitter, or whatever. But then again, I don't think that would do  any good. Most people just don't really dive that deep into this stuff, they don't want to. Because at the end of these rabbit holes are just more rabbit holes, or even worse... just that dead end. Just that realization than there's no reason at all. 100 years ago it was important to rise at the crack of dawn because that's when we had the light of day to till the fields... but now... it's arbitrary, we've got those fluorescent lights.

So we're living this bizzare exercise of chaos, and we all lie cheat and steal and shmooze and we all surrender to that big lie. Because without that lie... we have nothing.

But it saddens me because it doesn't have to be that way. We can aspire to more, we can aspire to new routines, new ambitions, new things to busy ourselves with, and seek truth, seek to forge quality relationships and rely on each other in positive ways without this tired exploitation, without this subversion, without these lies and spites, and slanders, and attacks, and demonizations in the hopes of turning the sludge pumping out of this machine from the others trough to our own.

We always present that wise old elder in movies or whatever, and they've got the long beard and they're sitting on the top of a mountain, and their great wisdom is to always not give a fuck about anything. To be "above" all the choas. But that's horse shit. That's just more madness to absolutely dodge the questions, to be pretentious and act above it all while providing nothing.

Why the fuck don't we ever talk about this shit any more? Why have we all collectively just given up on trying to build a better world, to analyze the world we live in? To try to minize the madness, to try new paradigms, to try new ways of living?

Sure there would be failures, and sure some would lie and cheat the system. There will be the Milo Minderbenders to refence Catch-22. But it feels like there have been so many exploiters, so many bullshitters of late, that we have collectively thrown our hands up and decided, "NOPE! THIS IS AS GOOD AS IT'S GONNA GET!"

We're just too fucking coddled. We're too fucking mind fucked. We're too far removed from building character to aspire to do anything with dignity any more, to aim high and tough out doing great things.

Better to roll around in the mud and point fingers any more. Everything is everyone else's fault and no one will do a damned thing to improve anything, and that's everyone else's fault too.

I'm going to get back to work on the fish game soon, I swear. But in the meantime I just cannot for the life of me get over how fucked this world is. And how fucked it will remain because our minds have been collectively rotting in this post modern hellscape of projecting all our problems on every one but ourselves.

Or maybe I'm just an asshole.

The more I know, the more experiences I have, the more I try to make sense of why things are the way they are, the less this crazed, entitled, disingenuous and self righteous world of weak, back scratchers and liars makes any sense :/