I don't know what we're doing making this blog post. Maybe we're just in self destructive mode right now.

To think I was thinking of making the post "What's the opposite of imposter syndrome?" God damn I can be cocky sometimes.

Anyway, good lord we've been bitching and moaning a lot lately, it's not very becoming but it's something to blather about I guess. Part of my brain is like, "Don't let anyone know what an insecure weirdo you are", and then another part is like, "No one reads this anyways" and then the third part of my brain is like, "What the fuck hemisphere are we?"

We all like to think of ourselves as Jerry from Seinfeld, and then we have the terrible realization at some point that we're George. I'm able to sound off in this echo chamber these silly thoughts without any resistance and in my project i'm able to do whatever, but once we're plugged into any sort of machine we just don't seem to function so well. Too much neckbeard.

I get a lot of progress on the game done and I think to myself, hey this is going well, I should try to reach out from this cave and share these experiences and maybe even some people out there can learn from all the hard work we've done! And then I make some idiot post and see there are larger neckbeards in these salty seas and it all goes awry.

Blech.

Sometimes I spend enough time in this cave that I forget what a reject we are only to have that sting hit us again out in the wilds again.

You guys ever see that Seinfeld episode where George really wants everyone to call him T-Bone and he has that perfect plan in his head to get everyone to call him T-Bone and it goes fucking terribly?

Just having one of those days. Everything feels like it's collapsing, i'm starting to wonder if we have what it takes to make this a good game, wondering if this twilight zone episode will ever end. We're certainly not the only crazed person in this world and we all try to get along with one another, or maybe we don't. Maybe others are secretly conspiring against us, or maybe they're not and we're just insane and in believing that we become the bad guy. 

That's the craziest part about being human. We all have suspicions, but we will never truly know the truth. Well us shut ins won't. There are plenty of people out there that are bold and fit in and they understand how everything functions in these tribal circles and blech. Good lord i'm insufferable.

Ok, I wanted to start this blog being really hard on ourselves. We actually aren't that hard on ourselves much these days so it's kinda fun  to explore that mindset. Can't harp on it though because we have a game to finish and the only thing keeping us going are those delusions of graduer. This could all crash and burn horrifically, but if we're to even have a snowballs chance in hell we gotta continue to think we're somehow competent at all this gamedev shit that we've taught ourselves in a short few years that other professionals have been learning in top tier teams of professionals their entire lives. Ain't no thang!

For all the shit I give neckbeards, they are absolutely no different from me. And that's a really weird way of just saying that I too am a neckbeard. We come online, post some fucking self indulgent bullshit somewhere hoping people will see it and give us accolades and validation, and we treat it like this pie that only has so many slices so we have to cut everyone down.

I guess that's what drives me crazy about other neckbeards is how much they cut others down. And I was about to say that I never do that, but holy fuck have I gone hard in this blog and elsewhere talking shit about other people. I'm kinda having a moment here as I type this.

Being human is such a weird thing, the way be blindly excuse our own bullshit hate. Well they fucked me over so it's ok if i'm a total ass.

"In the land of eye for an eye, everyone is blind."

I don't even know what my point is any more. I guess just that we're a weirdo, and prone to our own delusions and stupidity just like anyone else, and I'm really reflecting on how silly it is for any of us to call anyone else out for the bullshit. To be fair, I do work really fuckign hard at this shit and some kind of lifeline before we snuff it would be kinda nice.

I remember where we were going with this blog now.

It's ok if we're a fucking emotional sensitive weirdo moron. Because emotional weirdo morons tend to be ok at making video games sometimes, so at least I feel like we're where we belong, even if being where we belong means stewing on our own hypocrisy at the moment.

The thing is, you look around, you see the same bullshit in all directions, and it often times feels like it's not the best, most capable, most moral people win out. It seems like the most foolhardy and self absorbed do, the ones lest conflicted by their own shortcomings. For every Disney or Jim Henson there are countless hacks who secure the funding and exploit everyone around them and provide nothing to this world.

Oh well, maybe it's just my own cognitive dissonance showing, but i think i'd sleep better at night knowing i was a failure trying to make something awesome with value even if we're delusional than secure wild success exploiting everyone around us with lies and all that bull.

But it's easy to say that when you lack the personality to pull it off in the first place ;). Makes ya wonder!

So anyway, after being a total fucktard on the internet, I'm somehow managing to make myself the victim and patting myself on the back for it. The human mind is a wonderous thing!

Carnivore diet is kicking my ass, I've never wanted a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a glass of milk so badly in my entire life. Maybe we're just cranky. But on the plus side we don't feel like we're going to die today, just overcome with embarrassment from making a fool of ourselves amidst other neckbeards AGAIN in such a short timeframe. 

There is no worse fate than to face pant talking technical shit with annoying neckbeards, I tell you what.

Anyway, fingers crossed we're feeling better tomorrow so we can get back to work. Not feeling optimistic about the future after today, but here's hoping it's just one of those days.