So I guess we're in "serious mode" now. I'm not gonna stick my foot in my mouth any more... does that include late night blathers where we just ramble and vent some late night introspections?

We make the rules around here... so I guess this once we'll allow it.

I'm in a really strange mood right now. It feels like there is this void, and while I'm usually excited to try to fill it, to try to make the fish game good, to work our ass off, to hope tomorrow maybe the world won't be so crazy.

I know the world is crazy. It will always be crazy, it will always be fallible, biased, imperfect people deciding who gets the job, who gets the promotion, who is catapulted to victory and often times, countless others waste away in the shadows. They weren't singled out, they weren't charged, simply forgotten. Lost in the cracks of polite society. At best the stars align and maybe we eek out a few decent years before it all comes tumbling down. Everything is so fragile, the in crowd is always playing their idiot games and chasing their grand delusions tearing everything down in their own image.

What if SeaCrit becomes successful? What if it becomes successful and all the wrong people exploit it and benefit from it and we just further the same machines we sought to compete with? What if it's just that terrible waste of of my time and all these blogs and blathers were nothing but embarrassing fits of dust in the wind?

The number of scenarios of failure are countless, you can get lost in the endless seas thinking about the absolute multitude of ways you are likely going to lose, how those echoes are going to fall in harmony with all the other calamities we've sounded for years on end.

The terrifying truth is some of us have no control of our destiny. We cannot bend the rules, we don't even know what they are. There are the rules as they are written, and there are the house rules as they are played. Most see this from a young age, and then there are us poor saps withering in their caves working feverishly against the clock hoping some day society will acknowledge the game as the rules were written while most everyone else happily runs off and has their fun and the world turns. What a bunch of idiot saps we are wasting away shackled to these outdated tenants. Slaving away like fools believing the contract would be honored.

The Unity forums went back up today. And I wasn't banned and I was excited about that, but it was also pretty silent, kinda like a ghost town. Where did everyone go? Where are the Unity employees excited to post? Where are the other developers excited to make great games?

There are a few passionate souls out there having a good time and making some posts. But it just felt off in a way. I wish we could just will goodness into reality. To want something so badly that the other imperfect souls in our sphere magically begin to radiate a new passion to pick themselves up and for everyone to push forward towards exciting and great things again.

It all seems so simple in my head, let's just stop being asshoels and make cool stuff.

I don't even know if the world wants this game. I don't know if it's just going to piss everyone off and insult people like my posts do over these years.

It's really weird, just a year ago we had thousands and thousands of posts of people coming out of the woodwork to complain about the Unity pricing debacle.

And now nothing... a ghost town.

Sometimes I wonder if this is all just some kind of joke. Like if there's some secret community of sane gamedevs and the vast majority of creators are all off having a merry time without us weirdos out on the outskirts.

Or maybe I'm an awkward Michael Douglass in some horrible version of "The Game" that's been going on too long. This is all just an elaborate prank, a fake existence, a Truman show.

It's all so surreal. It's like everyone knows this existence is bullshit, everyone else is lying and cheating and they see the fakeness and they're all doing fine exploiting the system, exploiting emotions and lies, and I'm sitting here like a sap busting my ass trying to make this stupid fish game. 

WTF have I wasted all this time on? Why?

Little manic as of late. Some days we get some work done, the game is going well and we feel unstoppable. And some days we pull our head out of that digital soup and we look around and we just see nothing but terrible dysfunction. It's kind of terrifying to see how poorly we've all been raised to work with one another to create a better world for each other.

We complain about it all the time around here, but I really just can't get over how outright insane and nonsensical everything is. When I was younger I couldn't wait to get older because NOTHING in this world made ANY sense to me, "How do those people survive, doesn't seem like they work very hard..." Why is this that way? Why do these people have power? Why do these people tend to get all the jobs and promotions?

Like our systems are just absolute fucking chaos. There is no order, there is no rhyme or reason, there are just enough people under the illusion that there's any sort of coherent set of rules that everyone plays by that some poor saps out there build stuff and provide for all the other monkeys typing nonsense into their excel spreadsheets and kissing their bosses ass. 

It's all nothing, it's all just a giant fucking game of lies and horse shit.

What's our goal? Money? It's meaningless, it's printed, given for nonesensical reasons. I don't see any stature in it, it's just corruptoin and madness like eveyrthing else. Power, fame, fortune. All chaos and collusion. Nothing is real any more, nothing has purpose, nothing grounds into bedrock.

Such a sad world we live in, that brings out the absolute worst in all of us. I really just want to see less petty people out there. Everyone is so damned petty. No one ever gives an inch. Everyone takes everything so god damned personally. No one ever forgives anyone else, no one ever gives anyone else the benefit of the doubt. Everyone thinks that other person on the other side is a bigot or worse.

Everyone has this inflated sense of ego and importance while sacrificing and contributing nothing to this world. Fucking sick of it.

All the adults in the room are gone. We just have to try to rebuild as best we can. Perfection is the enemy of progress.

ANYWAY!

Feeling a little better today, won't harp on health too much but excited to get back to work soon.

I'm back to taking some level of satisfaction in work again, and that means everything in the world. It's so draining when the game is nothing but a drain and every day sucks the life out of you as you're pushing forward towards an uncertain future. These past couple weeks have been pretty ok. I'm actually looking forward to getting to work tomorrow if we're still feeling pretty good.

I'm in my head too much right now thinking about all the good times that never were. We're no spring chicken, and a lot of the past several years are such a blot, kinda painful to think about. It didn't have to be like this, but here we are. Whining about it on the internet isn't going to do any good, but it's something to kill some more time. So much time killed and dead.

I'm trying to be upbeat, I'm trying to be positive. This world needs us to be more positive, the world needs us to be less hateful and to work to do something better than whatever the hell the past several years were.

I'm tired.

And if I'm honest, and every sane bone in my body is telling me not to be, I'm pretty )$%ing bitter. Just another night in our cave unlike any other while the world was out parading around enjoying their coosh statures and shared spoils.

But we gotta lay low here and grovel for our chance to rise out of this cave. Feels like a pretty raw deal. Not sure what we ever did to deserve this...

WAHH WAHHH BITCH MOAN

Ok, got that off our chest. So we had a few rough years. Boo fucking hoo. It wasn't all bad. Grass is always greener!

COULD BE WORSE!

Had a solid day today. Feelin' better. Game is KICKIN' ASS!

WE BACK IN THIS

Ok, back to proper IllTemperedTuna mode, can't have too much fun these days! THOUGHT POLICE ARE GONNA GET US!

A'ight, back to work tomorrow. I don't know wtf this blog was, but it was certainly sufficiently weird enough to count as a blog. Onwards to tangible goals tomorrow.

Plan moving forward: Implement bonuses, try not to get banned again on the Unity forums, and don't let those social vampires bring us down again or rile us up too much. Keep working on the fish game till it's good enough to outshine our crazed social weirdness.

*Mission Impossible Music Plays*