Was trying to track down a song to spur some kind of blog as I haven't slept well, but I want to do SOMETHING of some worth. No idea if we'll fulfill that aspiration, and after finding this one, I have no idea where we're going...

This brought back so many memories, I remember my dad blasting this music, keeping the neighborhood up during his stupor as he crashed out on his recliner. I remember grabbing this CD and staying up really late when I couldn't sleep and listening to this song on a portable CD player in my room at midnight, and just being swept up in this psychedelic prog rock. I'd mash my eyes to create a sort of kaleidoscope and I'd have my own little nutty music video in my head. Love this kind of music, just really trippy, with inventive melodies that really make you question the nature of reality and existence. On my walk to school I'd listen to these songs in my head to kill the time, I loved the transition between this song and some other ditty they did live.

God damn do I miss those aspirational times. Better times. Optimistic times. We were going to cure cancer, we were going to end world hunger, we were going to colonize the deep oceans and the moon. We still had adults in the damned room.

I keep thinking we're going to wake up from some terrible nightmare. "I just had the STRANGEST dream" everyone was obsessed with the stupidest shit and children ran the wrold, and no one cared about making great music any more, or stories, or anything at all. And everyone was happy to just point fingers and blame everyone else for everything.

F*cking hell.

Didn't sleep great, trying to figure out what i'm going to do with myself today.

I'm equally parts excited and stressed. Everything SHOULD be coming online, I've kinda got everything ready to go, it's just a matter of now making the game. My task for today is: MAKE THE FIRST GAME CHUNK! Add enemies to it, Polish the snot out of them. Make it awesome!

Appologies for the whining, but i'm starting to feel like a beaten dog at this point. All these years, all these aspirations, all the long nights, the sprints, all the midnight oil burnt. Not a single win yet. It starts to affect your psyche. It's not good enough yet, it has to be perfect. It has to be more than perfect, it has to have the best animations ever seen. It has to have the best combat systems ever seen. It has to have the best items and upgrades ever seen. It needs innovative new UI elements that make up for my lack of experience, it has to run on phone, PC, and gamepad because we don't know where success is going to come from.

And despite all that, we could do everything right, we can compete at the absolute top level and it can all be reduced to sh*t. Because the world is choas and tribalism, and we're just living through this vibration of madness. Monkeys fighting for the lies in their own head that favor themselves, that align with the reality in which they are accustomed and righteous.

I used to be really excited about the future. We'd made all that progress, we had all that food, we'd done away with all that hate, surely we were going to empower the best among us and do amazing things... But in this uncharted era of humanity, we found that this prosperity didn't make us lean, agile, and hungry for victory, it made us decadent and sluggish, ungrateful, the fire within us died. We're so f*cking petty nowadays, so comfortable with the status quo so long as it's the other getting kicked into the dirt.

I keep telling myself it's time to start making disgustingly positive blog posts, to talk about combat systems. "HEY FELLOW GAMERS, HOLY COW WHO WANTS TO SMASH SOME KILLER COMBOS BRO!?"

I always find myself coming back to these rambles. I'm going to try to make a decent game. If that's not enough, f*ck it.

Anyway. Been kicking ass of late. Got a few things to polish. Going to turn off the lights and just meditate a bit. I never do that. Always staring at some screen, listening to some podcast. Never taking the time to think, to get away from the madness. I think I know our plan. We're going to start building level 1, we're going to find our goomba, we're going to pay that m*ther fucking piper, and SeaCrit is going to start coming together.

But for now, for just a little bit, going to turn off this damned screen and get away from the petulance and stimulus. Who knows, maybe we have a revelation about what needs doing, not that I think we need it. The game's really kicking ass. If the word weren't so f*cked we'd be in much better spirits. It is what it is. I didn't make it this way, yet i'm the crazy one... the kneelers and back stabbers race about as this chunk of dirt hurtles through the void and we march ever onwards towards the heat death of the Universe.

Edit: I had an epiphany, I was going to do light bakes, and the game was going to look amazing. Was going to do this tomorrow but I figured screw it, let's get something done. After a bit of trying some setups I remembered the lighting system in Unity is aboslutely not even worth using for a multitude of reasons, so I gave up on it. BUT I also had the idea to add some cloudy particles into the scene, and they look kinda neat, so today isn't a total wash.

The #1 epiphany I had was this: I need a damned nap. Work kicks up again soon.