In a weird kind of way tonight. Was gearing up to make a big energy blog and beat my chest and talk about how ready we were to take on the world and make a great game. Been feeling better, been feelin' like we're ready to take on the world again.

But I'm more saddened by the state of things than angry about them. That's what's really frustrating, is thinking about what could have been. All these wasted years, all the hate, all the division, all the gaslighting and gatekeeping?

What did we get out of it all? Did anyone come out ahead?

You can game all the systems, you can stifle all your competition, you can fight tooth and nail, push and shove everyone else down in your dash to the finish line.

And you will arrive alone, you will look back on those who played fair and square who will have no respect in their eyes for you. Your achievement will be worth nothing.

What value has gold?

Just a chunk of metal.

But be cause it's scarce it makes for a great commodity to form a baseline in a trade system. If you can establish a set of rules by which all abide, you can then start to assign a sensible value to things. You can promote work and cooperation by supplying more currency to those who do greater amounts of quality work. Those who work harder, longer, and more efficiently can make more currency. By earning more, the hardest working, most competent people can effect change in this world, they can share their methods and principles with others and they too can then succeed.

That stupid f*cking metal, the accolades, the big fat paychecks, the fancy cars, the pats on the back, that high and mighty smug feeling... these are nothing. These are playthings for children.

All the plastic toys, the big screen tv's, the fast graphics cards, the Carmel covered macadamia nuts. Fool's gold.

I want our lives back. I want principle. I want pride. I want patriotism. I want meaning. I want people willing to build character after a hard days work. I want long nights at the office where people break their  backs for each other knowing you'll do the same for them. I want the janitor working his ass off cleaning the floors working his way all the way up to the CEO again.

All the smarm, the low standards, the sickening sweetness of it all. The ungratefulness, the backscratchings, the backstabbings, the people cutting you down for thinking there should be more to this short blink of existence, pulling everyone down like crabs in a bucket.

I'm sick to death of this sh*t.

The experiment f*cking failed. How many more lives do we serve up to this nihilistic horse sh*t?

2023 is over, and 2022, and on and on are gone, we don't get them back. This hole will never be filled. 

I am SO F*CKING GRATEFUL to be feeling better, we get to wake up tomorrow and rage against this machine. But nothing will wipe away this decay. Some things cannot be undone. People are gone and they will never come back, they will never see the fruits of our investments, they will only know us as the flounder kicked into mud. Some relationships are damaged, others beyond repair. Aftershocks of this petulant war sounding through the lives of the meek. The audacity this world has to carelessly destroy one another for the most modest gains. It's abhorrent.

Tomorrow I'll have some resolve, i'll twist the ruminations into adrenaline and fight for a better project, fight for a chance at success as ever. But it's growing late and there's nothing to do but stew in some thoughts.

There's a legion of smarm f*cks who happily planted these daggers in our backs, who were more than willing to salivate over the notion, to build strawmen up for their fellow man, who merrily watched as the  lives of countless others dissolved to ruin for their rancid scraps of superiority.

You can weasel your way into the coffers, you can rob the treasury of the gold, you can deprive all others of the currency they need to feed their families, maintain their dignities. For what? Sex, drugs, and rock and roll? Not even. What we've burn society for: puddle deep morality is fucking sickening.

Not perfect. Bit of an asshole. Wasn't always this way. Maybe this is just the way of things, you feel the blade pierce between your ribs from those you trusted, you feel inclined to return the favor. Does it spins on and on and on till everyone is riddled with daggers and miserable?

Are we making SeaCrit because we're angry? To tell the world "F*CK YOU"? Are we doing it to make a ton of money? So we can try to drown out this endless anguish with money for fancy cars, a decent computer? Rent money? Are we doing it so we can pay off our debts and earn enough to no longer wallowing in this shame? Are we doing it for the love of the craft? Because we love this medium and want to make great games? Maybe we want to give back to the few kind souls who helped us along the way. Maybe we're only working this hard because we were told at a young age we have to work, that the only way we can make it in this cruel world that stabs you in the back that the only way you can make it is to become useful, to work hard, become good at something (fat f*cking lie that was).

It's all those things.

We spend so much of our lives trying to find "the answer" or "the problem". Life is not so simple. Purpose is not so simple.

And that's a great thing. Because if there was only one question, one answer, life would be really boring, almost pointless. And that's what's been so sad about this era, seeing so many people hypnotized by that vile notion. That the only point in life was to be better than their fellow man.

That's fucking stupid. It's fucking self serving, and it's fucking dangerous and it does a great disservice to all the greater individuals of the past who busted their asses to give us this fantastic chance at a good life and the foundation to be even better, to have less hate, to have less division, to have more prosperity and unity.

You can lie to your little close work circles, you can lie to your friends, you can most easily lie to yourself. But at some point... the piper's gonna show up.

And there's no lying to the fucking piper, that m*ther fucker always shows up eventually.

We need some tough love in this world. We desperately need to build some character again. Too many people don't know the satisfaction of helping their neighbor move, of taking pride in their kids growing up healthy and wise, in taking pride sharing difficult tasks and building teams of people excited to raise the bar. These things take discipline, it takes delayed gratification, it takes trust, it takes grit, and it takes a pain tolerance.

Time we toughed the fuck up again and start respecting good qualities in one another again.

I'm certainly not the toughest guy around. But there's one thing I can do kinda ok, and that's make games. So tomorrow, we get up, we drink a little caffeine and we're gonna get to it.

This world isn't going to fix itself, no one's coming to save us, and those in the drivers seat have been doing A PISS POOR JOB AS OF LATE.

Long blog post to say we're gettin' back to making 'tarded murder fish tomorrow.

Feel the strength returning, resolve is stronger than ever, shame what's come of this world, but we have this SeaCrit and purpose. And that's rare as hell these days.

Going to work on cleaning up upgrades tomorrow I think, and maybe do some MSC things from the TODO list. Should be a great week, lots of low hanging fruit.

Not counting on that charity thing I entered late last week. I have no faith in this world, suppose that's why we've created this one. Time to build ourselves up.