I shitpost a lot. I'm pretty good at it, i can generally hold my own in online arguments.

I casually sent a shitty text today to someone, it's ok for me to be petty, I live in this cave, i'm the victim, everything is the world's fault.

But they sent texts back, and I didn't have the armor of online anonymity and I fast realized i'm actually just a petty worthless f*ck.

I really don't have anywhere I planned to go with this. This game is all I have, my one chance for redemption in this squandered life.

Like wtf is wrong with me? I don't mean to romanticize this endeavor, i have been a real piece of shit to let this be the one thing that could redeem me.

It is what it is. Sometimes you catch yourself in the mirror and it's not pretty.

This is my life. A silly fish game, and everyone around me has suffered for it. It's so stupid.

We can only be who we are though, this is the lot I have.

Whatever becomes of this project, it will never make up for what others have suffered for my own shortcomings. At best we can minimize the damage.

I did have some writing done today, i plan on posting that tomorow. But no matter how long I spend in this cave there are moments that remind me why I resign myself here, and for all my rambles about this stupid crazy world, I must take some account.

I can't say this enough to the people who I wish would here this, but I'm sorry and there's nothing I can do about it. All I can try to do is try to make this game not total garbage, it's all I'm good for, pathetic as that is.

I've said it in prior blogs, "decay is not a motivator" and yet that's what's piling up around me, what i've allowed to fester for those who are in my life. If I fixate on it too much, it'll drive me mad.

I need to be selfish, I need to focus on this demo. We're almost there. We've already ground everything to pulp, we have nothing left to lose. Just a bit further up the mountain to go.

One of the terrible things about our modern world... is if you're not the social type, if you're not a shmoozer, if you're a bit of an outcast. You don't really have any refuge in this world. You don't hide in your hole and become the best pianist of the town, or work at the factory doing something of value, or be that anything with purpose. There's nothing really left to do but schmooze and brown nose and compete in this cult of personality. You can't just pick up and build a cabin in the woods on the edge of town.

Life is strange, we are who we are. We'll go to sleep every night wake up, and be stuck with ourselves to the last of our days.