We progress. Computer chips get faster, our stories become interactive, graphics becomes reality.

It's an machine that morphs and changes into more potent and stunning form, the worker bees that tend these innovations are along for the ride, beholding a glorious manifestation of prophesized tech.

It was never the mechanasms evolving. It was never manifest destiny. Pipelines and practices improve by calloused hands.

All is for granted, all is mantel. You can speak the jargon, you can fake it till you make it in this muddled up, shook up world. And humanity will suffer your selfishness. Back scratching and dissonances will crash against us stirring about our flotsam.

Our shit's weak. We gotta get back on track. We gotta suck it up and start doing cool shit again. No more apologies. Cruel to be kind.

Health is weird, they didn't find anything wrong with me, in fact they think i'm in damned good health. I'm starting to wonder if I'm a hypochondriac. I have been under a great deal of stress in and out of the project and have always had a decent amount of anxieties. I'm on some medication now called escitaloprám. It's a very low dose. I don't want to be some other person, I want to be the same craggy, neckbeard that works hard to try to make a great game to spite this stupid f*cking world and hopefully right the ship. But if a low dose of this stuff stops me from feeling severe fatigue and feelings of breathlessness that springs up randomly, even though most times i'm not in a state of panic, then so be it. I won't say i'm stress free, it's stressful to work on this project week after work for long hours even when things are gong well, it's rewarding but stressful too, and in my off hours I engage it entirely too much Dota which isn't exactly a rest from stress as you hurl various gamer words at one another. Anyway, I feel a little silly thinking I'm just some weak snowflake that thinks he's dying when it all could just be nerves, but I suppose it's better than dying before the darned project comes together. In the interest of full transparency i'm going to leave all the embarrassing blogs up and hope for the best moving forward. I'm really hoping this was the problem and this med takes the edge off and prevents these episodes from setting in, and that in a couple weeks when this medication takes effect I'm still myself and back to work again.

Update: Trying to live a more stress free life on my off days. No more DOTA, trying to take a deep breath and not get worked up about stuff. Unfortunately today is a really stressful day for personal reasons, I can't speak of it because it involves other people that I do not speak about in my blogs, but i can't wait till today is over.

I've felt the shortness of breath coming on here and there, and i've taken a new tactic, I just don't think about it, I tell myself to stop being a bitch, and just occupy my mind with something else and take a deep breath, and it seems to be working. Not feeling great, but it doesn't get worse either.

I DO think I will be back to work soon, taking these meds and looking forward to finishing up this demo. It's weird, tried drinking myself to death most my life and now i'm worried some anti anxiety pills might change who i am.

ANYHOW! Now we may know the issue and knowing IS HALF THE BATTLE!

Gonna be real here, it's been pretty rough getting this far, hasn't been pretty either. It's a long dirty ass road we've trudged to get this far and thinking about diving back in to finish up this demo is pretty damned stressful, I don't think I ever really thought about what sort of a mental toll this whole ordeal has been amidst all the craziness of the world, but it also makes this feel that much more meaningful, that much more important that I get it done proper.

Nothing's changed, still gonna make this game not dog sh*t. Still gonna push to finish this damned thing up, one inch at a time. All the nonsense and speed bumps be damned.

Decision time! We're not even going to think about zone 2. We are going to build out only world 1, we're going to make it awesome. We can worry about more content later. we're not trying to pull off a full game right now in this moment, just a chunk of one.