Past week hasn't gone as well as I wish it could have. I'm starting to wonder if being too sick to work is going to become the new normal and it's really hard to take after coming so far. BUT, feeling a little today, maybe I get better again and get to work on this project again. Each time I feel better I wonder, "Oh thank goodness, hopefully this keeps up and I'm on the road to feeling better." and then when health nosedives I wonder, "F*ck, is this is? Is this just going to become more and more common and this is the life I live now, feeling like I'm dying all the time? Unable to work and finish this huge investment?"

I might even try to get a little work done today. I dunno, part of me wants to just focus on not stressing and taking it easy. If I thought I could just put my head down and put out a decent demo in a single day I'd go for it. But I feel like I'm several days or more away from this demo being worth making a build and putting up for. There is so much that has been polished and better in the past few months, and so many systems that are improved that will allow me to push through and make a better game, but all that takes time. The bad thing about truly investing into your game, is once you build things up and make your tools better, you don't get an immediate payoff of the game being more fun, it takes weeks or even months before that investments pay off through decreased burnout. But tools and burnout aren't the big bottleneck right now, it's health unfortunately.

I don't like making this whiney b*tch blogs where I just whine and complain that my tummy hurts and it's all excuses. I would much prefer to be feeling well and working hard and validating all this time squandered.

The future is more uncertain than ever

Does health improve? Maybe not. What becomes of the project? I dunno. Just hoping I can get a few weeks of decent health in the future so I can tie this up and maybe some other entity out there can pick it up and carry it forward even if my own trajectory tends to be downward as of late.

Should anything terrible happen, I'd want this project to be open source and just given away for free, and if anyone can make something of it and generate some capital, maybe some revenue could be given to those close to me who would be depending on this project's success. Lofty hopes for what is currently still a shit project that is hopefully on the verge of not being so shit.

For all I know, in a few days i'll be feeling better again, and all this doom and gloom will be a distant memory as I occupy my mind with SeaCrit once again as has happened several times in the past.

Edit: Getting pretty late and can't believe I haven't jinxed it yet but feeling decent! Hoping to get to work tomorrow!

Was a little worried i've completley flushed my mind of this game, and that maybe I forgot some important thing I was gonna work on, or plan of attack, but honestly, if I'm up for work, I'm glad to be opening it with fresh eyes. I think i'm just gonna open the darned game, generate a level for the first time as is knowing it'll be crap, and i'll take some notes and decide what to work on. Maybe something jumps at me that needs doing, or maybe we fall back on the prior plan. I don't think it really matters. What matters is that we get back to it!

Edit2: Got a touch of work done today. I'm feeling good about the future. I'm realizing there is no magic bullet, we don't have some fancy idea for pipelines to come up with to make the game better. We just gotta tune each ability, each NPC, each spawner one little thing at a time. At the end of the day, games are made good by endless, endless tunings. The trick is getting better at creating the systems that make tuning meaningful so you can stop spinning wheels in mud trying to figure out what's fun ASAP. Here's the important bit, I THINK THE GAME IS BECOMING FUN! 

So I tweaked some force values and took some notes. Most all the stuff i'm realizing I had to do, I already knew i had to do. But it's nice to feel confident that they need doing and that these needs are actionable. I'm feeling better about the notion that in the coming days (health willing) we will be adding new areas with interesting feels to them. The game will be coming online.

Health is weird right now. I don't know if i'm getting better and that's why i'm feeling off... blood sugar is 83 right now! I've never measured it that low! And I ate a couple hours ago! Some delicious oven roasted chicken thighs, sans the skin, with roast garbonzo beans, fried up in the chicken greases/ juice. I'm excited by the idea that maybe i'm doing better, but at the same time... I'm feeling off. 

SOMETHING feels off. I can work through pain, I can work through a headache or a wound, but something just feels wrong and it's sapping my energy and concentration. Maybe it's my body healing, maybe it's just nerve damage I have to live with, or stomach ulcers, or who the heck knows. I realize these blog posts are boring to read and whiney and pathetic, but it is what it is. 

I lose focus and energy when these bouts hit and it kinda occupies my mind and I can't work till i'm feeling better. Trying to at least get a bit of planning done. Hopefully things are getting better... The optimistic part of my brain thinks, "oh your organs might be healing, and when things are healing that's when they often hurt most." but maybe this is just permanent decay that I need to learn to live with. Who knows, i have literally no idea what it could possibly be, other than it feels central to my chest. Stomach? Pancreas? Gallbladder? Heart? Lungs? Nervous system? Nerves? Not a clue.

ANYWAY! Enough bitching! We got our feet wet today! Our blood sugar is lower than it's ever been since we started measuring it! (Low score... is that bad? Is that bad?) We're on an even healthier diet eating far less fats and we're not famished! We're working out again! Things could be worse! Going to take it easy for the rest of the day, get a bit more light exercise and maybe plan more for the coming days. The game is getting close! I'm as excited as ever to add more stuff! And that's a truly remarkable thing after all these years and as this crazy ass deteriorates to shit, SeaCrit is still going stronk!

(absolute cringe fest of a song, DON'T CARE. I'm adding this to the list of potential theme songs for SeaCrit, along with the ones by Dethklok and Shinedown)