I'm so tired. I'm tired of working on the project, I'm tired of adjusting prefabs, i'm tired of fixing bugs, i'm tired of the health rollercoaster. I'm tired of each and every day being  groundhog's day.

I've been 2 days away from putting out a demo that could turn everything around for what? 4 years now?

Is this all a dream? I could shake my head fast enough and we'll all snap from this craven nothing, these dog days will be cloudy memories.

At least i've still got hot jams to listen to!

Bleh.

Very mixed feelings right now. Just yesterday I was on top of the world with how well things seemed to be going, today after a solid session of drudgery I just feel it will never end. Gamedev is very weird. Days can be so different depending on what you work on. But you can't reach the finish line if you don't dig deep and go through soul crushing slog regularly.

Oh here's a bright spot, I finally got the keep heading charge mechanics working, and they're scaled down and easy to iterate on. Years ago i'd have been so excited by what i've got up and running now. But it's hard to take satisfaction in a world that doesn't see value in things any longer. 

It's funny, when you finally bite the bullet, and fix things up to be manageable so yo ucan go in and work on things to not be a messy and a pain to work with, generally that's the time you tune things up and it becomes "done" and you never have to work on it again. Funny how we end up occupying  ourselves with all the worst things.

I remember why I was going to make this blog post now. I was going to try to sort out how to be passionate about work tomorrow and get this back on track. I'm fixating the pains of gamedev too much right now. The endless monotony, the neverending tunings. I had a thought as I hit commit today, that gamedev is checking things off a list that's so monumentally long that it's inconsequential.  They say art is never finished, it's abandoned, but in gamedev, it's more like you just fucking escape. 

I have a real fear that if I start to put things together a new bug will pop up, i'll add some thing and it will lead me down a rabbit hole where I have more things on my ToDo list than when I started. I need a break so f*cking bad, but we need a win more.

I'm really fucking proud of how far I have stuck to this project through the thick and the thin. How far it's come, how much better it is now than it was 3 years ago, 1 year ago. Hell it's many times better than it was just a couple months ago. This game is getting better at an exponential rate and i'm extremely excited about that. But i've dipped into that hope to push myself to work on this insane hours for so long. I could have expressed these exact sentiments many years ago. Am I crazy? Will this ever amount to anything?

Tomorrow I will start arranging the pieces i have scraped together into a rudimentary composite of a video game.

All I can think about is all the bugs I will have to fix once I start having to get level 2 into the game, the edge cases that are going to pop up.

GOOD LORD what was I thinking? The sheer volume of stuff i'm dealing with alone is insane. This was so damned stupid. But at the same time... I really think it's starting to come together. I'm probably crazy.

I'm thinking about this all the wrong way. Instead of focusing on how far I am from the entire game coming together and how I need to do it all in my lonesome. I need to think "THEY POTENTIAL" is nearly showing.

I don't need to make the perfect game, I don't need to finish the entire damned thing in my lonesome. It only needs to show great promise and maybe then we can find support. A little help would go so far, it's been a long long road just working on these endlessly in this damned cave alone.

Edit: Been thinking  a bit and I realized that i'm coming at the work wrong. Often times if we're averse to work on something it's not because of the thing itself, but because we're frustrated with the overarching pipeline. So to that end i'm going to try to take a deep breath and just allow myself to build up scene tools more, clean things up and set everything up so that making this stuff fun is possible. I ramble too much about pointless stuff, should probably just get to work.

But who knows, maybe that's why it's still got a chance in this messed up world. I hope things go well tomorrow, getting a little low on this darned ride.