Life can be bittersweet, more bitter than sweet these days.

It's bad enough us arseholes have to deal with the ramifications of our actions, but then others have to deal with it as well.

We can't change who we are, we can tell ourselves, "I'm never doing that stupid sh*t again." You will. You might be able to control yourself for a few days, a few months, but at some point, you're going to be you, and maybe you don't fit where you wish you did. If only it were as simple as wanting to be a good person, or wanting to be respectable, wanting to make a successful project, wanting to feel better, wanting the upswell of a fulfilling life that comes from all these things intermixing.

It's a crazy world, some people do quite well with their dispositions, I kinda find that mine diametrically opposed. I often wonder what life could have been like if I'd been born in a different time, maybe got a better job at a better company, got that one connection that got me out of the rut a couple times, if things had unfolded a little differently. Would I be a more pleasant person? Would I not get grumpy at others over my own shortcomings?

If i'm honest with myself, I can harp on circumstance, but this is where we ended up, I put myself here. The ramifications of are on me. Sure things could have been better, but it is what it is.

Life is strange, and it can come at you fast. The things you take for granted can disappear in an instant, and you'll be left alone with your regrets.

Hopefully health comes back, we're down but not out. We need a  pep talk...

The world sucks, it's full of assholes and liars, cheats, and it'll drive you made, shove you in the dirt and leave you to rot without even looking back. Most people think their sh*t smells like roses. People you once considered friends and family will abandon you at the drop of a hat to socialize in their little happy spheres singing Kumbaya, looking down at everyone else. You'll lose faith in humanity as everyone chases their own ends, just as you chase yours.

The game is starting to not be d*g shit, we may have our moments, but we're going to try to be better. I wish I could change the dysfunctions. I'm stubborn, I don't fit well into this world, and I'm not very good at just taking a deep breath and enjoying things as they are, in another era these qualities might have served some purpose, but in this shallow world I just feel like I don't fit. I wonder if in a better world things could have been different, but my actions ultimately fall on me. 

But these are the very qualities that have driven this project so far. Will this all be an embarrassing failure? Or will this all be part of the growing redemption? Or do we all snuff out in nuclear war tomorrow? Does this degrading health cut this all short? Time will tell.

We all have regrets, we all make mistakes, we all tell ourselves we're going to be better next time. Every day is a roll of the dice.

All I can do is to work on this project and hope for success some day. A great many people I wish could have seen that succeed are already gone. And a great many who are left are fading memories. It is what it is. Perhaps in the future we'll have more to be grateful for, more things to keep us content and grounded and strong.

In the meantime, I'm a bitter, sad cave dweller, and if I'm honest, I deserve much of this. It is what it is. I still have people around me whom I adore and who depend on me. And there are still those who are now distant that I hope to maybe catch up with as old friends down the road should I ever labor my way out of this cave.

I'm grateful we're still in this fight... I'm grateful I have the memories of loving friends and family to remind me of what life could be like if we get our act together. Enough blathers for today. Going to move on to getting the item systems online. 

The world still sucks, everything is going to shit, no one is coming to save us. There's a fight that needs fighting.

Good luck out there

There's a shitty fish game that needs doin'.