Having lots of thoughts of doubt tonight. Ping ponging between the stress of looming failure and angre at what others have done to this industry as I've resigned myself to the squalor of this cave. 

Debated if I should make a post in such a state and per usual, here I am indulging my bullshit. I have no self control.

So going to bitch and moan a little and probably say a lot of shit i'll regret.

I've danced around a lot of topics in this blog, over the years. It's obvious what this is all about. The divisions, the animosities, the gatekeeping. It's not getting better. Am I going to say anything I haven't said a billion times?

I wish I were like most of you, chatting with fellow devs on steam, talking to coworkers, shooting emails to publishers. Had some sort of support network to let me know "hey, everything is going to be ok, we got this." For some of us, this industry is a lonely nightmare.

I've been working on my game for a good while now, was hoping if I hid under a rock long enough I could peak out and the dark clouds would be gone... and yet here I am, petrified thinking of this dark future that awaits. This Unity business is just another speed bump. The path ahead is dark and full of peril.

I don't even know how to say what I want to say here. My mind thinks of words and hides them away in fear. That's the world we live in now, well that I live in. Can't offend anyone, can't think the wrong thoughts, can't show yourself to be an other of whom you will be destroyed for working with.

I have what I think is the start of a great game here, I made it with what I thought were the best of intentions, and day after day this specter of this f*cked up world that would love to kick this project into the dirt looms.

It sickens me how you "good guys" twist your knife.

Year after year I think surely the world has to be come more sane, but it never comes. Every year I feel the judgements and angers in every single corner of this hateful world.

Everything is crumbling to dust, all standards are falling, all the hard work is going to be flushed to dirt yet again. All to appease your insatiable egos, to serve your petulant nature of infallibility.

This community is f*cking aweful. The ungrateful gamers, the gatekeeping devs, the greedy as f*ck publishers. A human centipede shoving their unity down each other's throats back and forth forever.

I'm just waiting for the axe to drop.

If the game fails: a slow, hollow decline. If I succeed in making something fun, i'll be a blip before some petulant shit cancels me, sets the target and the knives come out. I'll be lucky to have a crowd to spit on me as I fall, to let me know I could have maybe succeeded if not for all the cultural misfortune of this era of divisions.

I wish I fit in this community. Wish I shared the same tribal lines, could spark up a conversation shitting on all the right things, hating the right people, liking all the right petulant crap, giggling and nodding at all the stupid bullshit as everyone else does. Wish I just fit here, so I could hobble something together and enjoy things as you do. But I take some solace that I do not. Because this industry has been destroyed by the ungratefulness, by the petulance, by the hate, by the brown nosings and the back scratchings. Your weaknesses and gaslightings have allowed the worst among us to decimate this fragile digital ecosystem.

Fuck this soft parade. 

Fuck your destructive acceptance of petulant weakness.

And most of all, fuck your thin facade of moral superiority, you smarmy do-nothing fucks.

I don't know what I'm doing any more. I don't know what the point of anything of this is. Make a good game, don't make a good game? Who gives a shit, they'll only elevate you if it's in their self interest, if they see their self adulation reflected  in the product. Because most gamers aren't gamers, they're self fellating posers who were never here for the games, it's always been about their narcissism, what could gaming do for them? It's such a fever pitch I don't know how much more I can stomach it.

Every day things get worse. People reveal themselves to be shittier than you ever knew possible, just blind and apathetic to all the horrid shit in every aspect in every dimension. The greed, the decay, the laziness, the capitulation, the corruptions, the vilifications, the smears, the canceling, tribalism and power plays. This sum total of human dip shittery smothers the air from your lungs.

The irony isn't lost on me... but at least I'm willing to admit I'm an ass. Come tomorrow I'm going to be knee deep working on the game for a small chance at hobbling together a life, while most of you will be shooting the shit, laughing it up and milking the beast as the walls crumble inwards. Must be fucking nice. I fucking miss that so much.

But you know me... I can't complain.

Maybe this post gets this me banned, maybe no one even reads it at all, I don't even know which is worse. Oh well, maybe I just want to feel something even if it's regret. Maybe I just wanted to give one real solid fuck you to this world after all these fucking meandering blog posts over the years and being fucking betrayed and backstabbed in work, play, family and love for the most trivial horse shit. 

Or just maybe i've been the ass all along...

Hoping for a solid day of work tomorrow. Need a good solid day of work tomorrow.