Really fighting the urge to blather. No progress on the game just yet. Health was getting better, then my eye swelled up yesterday and took a mulligan today. At some point you stop feeling sorry for yourself and wonder, "ffs, when are you going to get it together?" I think about jumping into the fish game and I'm hit with a wall of things I need to do. "I need to develop systems that make setting up levels easier", "no that's a dumb idea, just create assets with the proper tags so your unloading system doesn't f*ck everything up." "No fool, just disable the unloading system and focus on what's important, the actual design of the levels and what's fun, and worry about that high technical crap that doesn't impact gameplay later!"

Then I get to thinking... gosh, if I had a team of people to work with none of these headaches would exist and we'd all work together to solve this stuff. I REALLY miss working with talented people and divvying up work and getting lots of cool stuff done.

I also really miss just working on stuff in my lonesome and kicking ass too.

It's REALLY easy these days to close your eyes and imagine a better world, and to feel robbed of that world by all the stupid things we've put ourselves through over the years. To point and blame others for what could have been. We all have this vision in our minds, gosh, if only everyone did THAT everything would be better! And no one's wrong. If that wonderful vision that exists in your head were made reality it certainly would be that lofty intangible wonderful thing.

But here we are, with our biases, our own cognitive dissonances, our warts and ill intentions we desperately seek to hide so that others might hand us the keys to the kingdom.

It's OK that this road is a bit harder. If we have to work harder to achieve our goals, that's not a bad thing. It just means we're even more committed than we believed, we're harder working and willing to put more on the line that we ever imagined. THAT or we're WAY dumber and worthless than we ever thought possible. C'EST LA VIE M*THER FUCKERS.

I was scrounging together a midnight snack and I this notion i'd said before crept back into my mind. "Decay is not a motivator". And I thought about that for a bit, and you know what... it is a motivator. But it's a really f*cking stupid one. In a perfect world we wouldn't have to cast ourselves into the machine, we wouldn't have to embark on these self destructive pilgrimages in the hopes of trying to save the world from itself as they all jeer and mock.

I don't really have anything new to say. It's all still on the line, still fighting burnout, trying to keep a goal in mind, still trudging forward with the demons and the dark. But who isn't? Who doesn't struggle with these things day after day? It's so funny how much time we spend villifying one another, drawing lines in the sand, mulling over who's on your side, who isn't. It's all the same song and dance, the same old mental posturings that allow us to sleep at night, and to pull ourselves out of bed to fight against those who have wronged us. It's terrifying how similar our foes are we stab at. But they got theirs, or maybe it's your turn, or maybe who knows. This whole rat race runs on and on and on and all the underhanded bullshit is always justified one way or another. At the end of the day, someone's gotta seize the spoils, why let it be some other arsehole?

I won't claim this endeavor has been anything glitzy or glamory. But it hasn't churned anyone to pulp other than yours truly. Come what may, I hope that never changes, because it's probably my favorite thing about this project other than the fact that it hopefully won't be dog sh*t soon.

The world has changed so much. My perception of success has changed so much... I'm not even sure what that is any more. Making lots of money? In this broken system? How? By selling out? By brushing elbows with greedy assholes? By erasing my blog history and jumping through hoops? Teaming up with a team of smarmy doormates to lick boots? There's a faint chance I can make this something passable if I can stop moping around long enough to get more work done and who knows what fresh hell that brings...

I want to live in a world that brings the best out of people, that fosters grit and a can do attitude and pushes us to kick some ass. And it is so painful to see how far we have strayed from that ideal, it's so f*cking frustrating. And somehow you're labeled a villain for having these terrible thoughts. I'm so sick of this weak @ss sh*t.

Oh well. Just lettin'' some brain pressure out since I haven't had any creative outlet in a bit.

I think I just need a solid day to get back into this. This world building stuff is still a constant thorn. How should I build up level 1, 2, 3 etc? How much dialogue should fish have? Should they have boring generic lines? should it sound like Dr. Suess with tons of rhymes? Would that be lame? Lines all the same? The doubts just came! CONFOUND THIS GAME! Rofl this sh*t seems fun and well made at the time of writing, then you read it the next day and think, "damn, I'm trying to hard, I should just copy the generic shit that flies in games like final fantasy and pokemon". So much murk and mirros to see through. What's the difference between failure and success? Is there a formula? Is it the gameplay? Is it the story? Is it the marketing? Is it knowing the right person? Am I in the right place at the right time? Is the whole game rigged? Who the frick knows?

I clutch me brain, stretch and strain, in dark recess proclaim: "All roads, 'fortune's same! SCREW THIS SEACRIT FISH GAME!"

 How do we get out of this cave? How can we start piecing together an answer to this eternal struggle? How can I find some inkling of success that reignites faith in this whole blink of an existence and sets me back to working day after day again?

So much blood, sweat, and tears already squandered. Best days behind. Tanks not empty, but we're getting closer and closer to fumes every day.

BUT!

Solid f*cking years of quality work put into this sumbitch. Systems are coming online, hardest bits are done. Brain is scrambled but only from neverending potential. There's still a good bit to do, but every step of the way will be rewarding, SeaCrit will be better than it has ever been before. Each day's going to be a total slog, but what else is new? Head down, coffee in hand straight into the wall, as ever. We've done it before, we'll do it again.

We have a tangible and attainable goal, a few hard sprints and things are going to be rockin' and rollin'. Any day now, if I'm able to spark the engine, SeaCrit will be chugging forward. With some luck and if I'm able to reach a certain level of quality, perhaps I will find outside support. 

That's where the excitement begins. This game has gotten this far with both my legs tied and one arm behind my back. If this comes together, if I find support, who knows what fruits this project will bear. Rising potential with sharp frustrations in this disjointed duet.

Some day I'm not going to ruin the heartfelt songs I casually throw into my blogs by ranting and raving how kick @ss it is that they have a nautical theme too... I SWEAR.

Deep breath, no amount of work tomorrow is going to finish this slog. May slam into brick walls. But it's time to get back to work, because if we don't slam into brick walls, we'll never sing our redemption song for all the squandered blood, sweat, and tears.