I'd planned to get a bit of work done today, distract myself from languishing in this tired and unfashionable melancholy. Reality is whatever emotion we allow to crystalize. No one wins seizing sadness and regret. 

So it's another depressing post, then? 

Wasn't the goal, just rambling, my mind is muddled by possibility even in this cave, which could be worse. Will this game be swallowed by the great whale of failure like so many others? Will it find it's white whale and be destroyed? Am I flying too close to the sun or am I an idiot neckbeard squandering what little life he has left alone in a cave? I don't know which is more terrifying. 

I know I feel disconnected from this stupid world and it's petty bullshit and it's tribalism and it's judgements and it's inane promotion of fortune and fame among crazed sociopathic back scratchers and backstabbers all telling one another the white lies that everything fine, everything is going to be ok, just keep the grifts going, keep up the self serving lies, don't rock the boat, you must never rock the boat.

I feel as though the boat is rocking on SeaCrit. I feel as though week after week I am tightening up a slew of intangibles, and as I clasp at the gushing liquid from this infinite mediocrity, I distill just a little bit of rot and indifference from this small corner of synthetic reality from which I pray I have some control. Maybe if I can make SeaCrit ok maybe it can affect something bigger, and it can ruminate through the madness and I stave off callousness and spite from this decaying world.

My will to push through SeaCrit must be stronger than the weekly bouts of distractions that prod and creep their way into my little world. I need to wake up tomorrow, and allow an overwhelming sense of purpose to drown the encroaching nothing.

Tomorrow has not been decided. Day after day it can feel like you're going to get your teeth kicked in, you can feel as though the same  outrageous fortune will push you up against the wall again as it's been for as long as you can remember. Maybe the dice are weighted, maybe the odds are against some of us

F&(K NO you don't.

Come too far, clawed and teared for years on end. Maybe we don't live in a world any more that values the tangible any more, maybe the world's been coopted by mad liars and backscratchers setting us all on the coarse to ruin. Maybe I squandered my best years believing a dead ideal, maybe just an idiot dream.

All the more reason to push forward, to muster up the strength to push this f*cker across the finish line. Failure is not an option. I will finish this f*cking game, it will be f*cking good. It's time again to rage against the dying of the light.

F*ck the world, f*ck their petty judgments, f*ck their d*cklet circle jerkings, f*ck their vapid notions of what is right and f*ck their vapid notions of what is wrong. F*ck their corporate double speak. F*ck the lies, and f*ck this malaise they have imposed upon us all.

Not out this b*tch yet.