I spend a lot of time mulling over whether I should blather about recent happenings. If I'm being too negative, if the tone of these blogs isn't right for future success.

I honestly don't think it f*cking matters. I don't know what the future holds, I don't know where this industry is going, I don't know what my mental space will be tomorrow, I don't know if this sh*tshow will ever right itself.

But for the first time in a long time I'm feeling a little optimistic.

I try not to get too personal, no one wants to listen to neck beards rant and rave about thier personal issues and I just promised myself in my last post I would refrain from personal BS, but screw it i'm gonna blather a bit about some personal crap, maybe allude to some taboo topics, not like anyone reads this anyway.

Not long ago I was darn near trying to drink myself to death. I wish I could say I had the willpower to quit, but for some reason for the first time in my life, I just stopped having cravings to drink that I couldn't overcome, this happened after a weekend where I drank entirely too much and had the worst hang over of my life. I started seeing double, not horizontally, but vertically any time I saw a bright object on a dark background. I'm about 3 months sober now, about 2 months ago I got Covid. It really kicked my ass. Two of the worst days of my life were nearly back to back in terms of physical health.

I was excited to feel better.

I started working out, I started eating healthier, I was taking my vitamins and cooking more. I was prepping for the final stretch where I could get this project on track... But I never felt better, in fact, my mind started getting cloudy, and my body felt off as I have aluded to in my posts over the past few months.

It must be long lasting alcohol withdrawels. Or maybe it's long Covid. Or maybe it's because I only just started working out. There were so many things going on I wasn't sure what it was. I just knew my best course of action was to stay sober, keep exercising and try to eat pretty well.

A lot of time has gone by and I have recently been feeling worse than ever, no idea what was going on. A bit frustrated that as I was finally taking control of my health and being responsible I was feeling worse than I'd ever felt.

On a whim I tried an at home blood test for blood sugar. 350 or thereabouts was the first reading. I didn't know it at the time, but that's pretty damned high. Quick google search let me know it was above average. So i figured I'd hit the exersize extra hard and see if I could drop it down, and i'll cut out sugary drinks and desrets. If I can drop it a bit, I can drop it more with even more exercise. I was confident i'd be able to work my out of this with hard work. 

Day after day I was working out pretty hard, for a lazy SOB that sits in front of a computer all day, I'm in pretty damned good shape, one thing I lucked out with is a good metabolism and I'm always in pretty good shape so even though my cardio goes to sh*t, I'm able to push myself pretty hard.

I started getting really light headed, and my glucose levels actually went UP despite the dieting, and the exercise. My glucose levels hit 444, which is really high. But finally I found a tangible issue that mirrored how "off" i was feeling, my blood sugar.

I'm lucky to have a small handful of people in my life who give a damn and I was going to put off making a doctors apt, but they pushed me to do the testing and to seek help immediately and after having a really bad episode, I went to the ER. If they're reading this, THANK YOU!

I felt guilty sitting in the waiting room. This game hasn't returned any investment, I'm sitting there thinking why do I deserve any care, how embarrassing is it going to be if they don't find anything wrong with me?

I've had a really bad luck with the world at large lately. I went through a massive ordeal trying to get some proper dental work recently, and it was a bureaucrat mess that took months and is still ongoing. I've dealt with soul crushing child custody issues and paternal insanity. All while my health has been going downhill and I've stressed about if I'll ever finish this damned game. So as I sat in the waiting room of the hospital hoping maybe I they find something they can fix, I was more worried that somehow I'd just embarrass myself with my current lot in life. It's a bit of a catch 22, u gotta have your shit together to finish a grand project such as this, but I felt as if I couldn't get my shit together unless this project found success.

I'm in my head far too often.

The visit went well, everyone was very helpful. There were no paperwork roadblocks, no form went missing, no cost was too high to pay, no one judged me. Everyone there just seemed to want to help, even if the process was slow as hell.

God I blather too much.

Long story short, they diagnosed me with type 2 diabetes, and were even able to get some medication as I left. I just tested a few hours ago and I got the lowest blood level reading I've seen at 180 just a day after starting treatment, now up to 260 after eating a meal, but still progress.

I spend a lot of time bitching and moaning on these boards about the world, how it's gone mad and is always in my way, but for the first time in a long time I feel kinda grateful. I have a small bit of my faith in humanity restored. 

Every person I ran into at the ER was well mannered, helpful and kind. Even the other m*ther f*ckers in the waiting room who all thought they were dying were patient and mindful of others. I've never experienced anything like it, and sitting there surrounded by so many professionals trying to help others, I felt spiritually recharged. I started to remember back when I started this project the more positive reasons I wanted to create this project. To make a kick as game others can enjoy, and if it finds success to work to make this crazy world a little more sane. Damn I'm such a crabby old man these days.

I don't feel 100%, in fact I don't feel better yet at all, yesterday I spent the majority of the day in the bathroom puking out my @$$ because of this new medication I'm on, but I'm optimistic that for the first time in a long time, maybe i'll feel my strength returning, and then maybe I can finish up the fish game, and maybe SeaCrit will finally be kick ass. And I can be a better dad, son, brother, partner in crime, friend if I can get this sh*t show together.

It just feels so good to have a hint of optimism again.

Several months ago I was breaking my back trying to track down an elusive bug, but it wasn't some hidden technical issue weighing down the project, it was a damned dirty bug inside of me, but I'm hoping it's finally been tracked down, thanks to modern medical technology.

It still blows my mind the world we live in. We have cell phones and all the food u could ever want, and internet and endless free content, and wonderful medical technologies that save our lives, and I've barely contributed anything to deserve these things.

Maybe lowered blood sugar doesn't make me feel better, maybe things are still on track for faillure even if I do feel better. Maybe the brain fog never goes away. Regardless, nothing in this world makes any more sense than it did yesterday, so I'm not entirely sure how anything will ever fall into place, just building a castle in the sand as the tides roar in.

All I can do is hope the brain fog eventually goes away now that I'm attempting to get my blood sugar in check. I was hoping it would be overnight, but it hasn't been, so maybe it takes a week or even longer, just hoping it finally happens. Back when I was full of piss and vinegar I would be rarin' to make a great game that'll succeed and be played by millions of people, but these days I'm just looking forward to maybe being back to work again and the satisfaction of feeling as though I serve some kind of purpose. Hoping I can make this glorious bastard proud some day.

Diabetus