Apologies for repeating myself, but I felt like getting out a ramble, it's deja vu all over again.

I jumped the gun saying I was feeling better, been feeling off the past couple weeks again. I almost don't even believe myself and think I'm full of sh*t excuses not to work on the project, but I also feel the damned brain fog first hand. I cannot describe how much this project takes out of me to move it forward at this point, but at least I feel I am on the cusp of it showing its potential so I am in this perpetual state of anxiousness, unstoppable force of the project almost coming together after all these years, IT HAS TO HAPPEN, combined with this never-ending physical decline, the immoveable object that fogs my brain and never allows me to bring this home as of late. I'm feeling better today though, there's some hope.

ANYWAY! Let me get to the subject I wanted to blather about before it slips from my mind.

There are 2 big bads right now I see standing before SeaCrit. One is the specter of unobtainable excellence, "If I can just make this game perfect, the world can't ignore it any more. If it's good enough it HAS to transcend, I WILL get out of this funk. If only I can make the game PERFECT. 

The other, even more imposing demon circling the project as I pray for forward progress is this general malaise that I see infecting this world, an all encompassing nothing chewing up everything and distorting everything I felt any kinship to, turning to a ravenous beast. Something feels off, maybe you feel it too. I hate this limbo, I hate this feeling of growing contempt and tribalism, I miss the days of just making cool shit. But everything is corrupt now, everything is sinister with invisible motive, some sort of serpent hell bent on the destruction of all others for it's own survival. Why? It drives me mad. 

I've rambled about all this before, and I'm so tired of going off the deep and victimizing myself, it's pathetic and in no world does this mentality help move SeaCrit forward. And that's the big take away, harping about this does nothing. The other monster seems insurmountable, this one IS. There is no getting over accepting the world is f*cked and that you're too far gone, too outgunned, too insignificant to put up a fight and come out victorious.

I wish I had the mentality I had months ago, this stagnation is so tiring. I miss the optimism, the delusions that if I push forward someone would see this, that some audience might try to back it. I feel so foolish looking back.

But I'm too far gone,

Maybe this is all just 3 am jitters, maybe I wake up soon with my mojo ready to kick some ass and make this game great. But things just feel so dreadful, like a loud chord struck on humanity in my lifetime on which I do not resonate. Where does a silly game about fish exist in a year from now?

Not super down in the dumps, didn't have some tragic day, I actually had quite a pleasant weekend to recharge. But after all theses decades of living in this crazy world, and seeing this mass stagnation, and decay, and all these ungrateful mother f*ckers playing their money games and political bullsh*t, i'm really just wondering, what place is there for us dip sh*ts that just want to put the axe to the grind and hobel a modest life together. So much sacrificed, so much gone never to come back, and kinda just numb to it all. Feel like we're floating on some grand rapids of human falability with everything churned under the torrent's of other's recklessnes, greed, and hubris. Waaaaaaa life isn't fair! These recent waves of madness join the waves of a life of regret and there's these mass torrents washing over day after day stripping away the optimism that this fight isn't over.

I'm going to try to record a play session, i'll overthink it all and try to think of reasons not to do it, but screw it I just need to get it done. Get thoughts down on notepad for the todo list and if I get some dev done great, start looking to the future of getting things moving forward again.

Life is strange and out of control, sabotaged. Gotta get my focus back, gotta do what I can to finish the fish game, madness be damned. Gotta get busy devin' or get busy dyin'.

I'm really conflicted about what song to play, I'm really not feeling any sort of musical mojo right now, just lethargic, wondering if this is how it all ends, SeaCrit will join the throng of other passoin projects alone at the bottom of the ocean churning to muck, hidden under the waves.

God damn this song hits hard, let's end with something a bit more upbeat:

Gonna work soon. F*ck the world, f*ck the sh*tty distractions from waves of sh*tty, ungrateful people playing their sh*tty, self serving games. How hard can it be? Just gotta make one of the greatest games ever made in my lonesome, not knowing WTF I'm doing in this f*cked up world that doesn't give a single damn.