Haven't done one of these in a while, feels kinda weird, just blathering about the state of things out of the blue, I remember when these posts were almost daily. I REALLY miss those days. I miss feeling useful. I had a rough day and I needed to vent some blather. I'm breaking my rules of no self loathing. Whatever, rules don't mean shit anymore.

This is going to be really stupid and scatterbrained and self serving and insane, and you're welcome to judge the fuck out of me for it. Just another day in this crazy world.

When things are good in life, and always have been for you, it's easy to take it for granted, it's easy to look down on others, it's easy to just believe things will be good and always get better. You're in this sort of bubble of sanity, a bubble of "this is where the good people are, this is where the competent people are.  This is NORMAL. Everyone outside this bubble is an other and they don't exist in my reality, they are not part of my world". 

People living in their bubbles are destroying us.

Getting into game dev is a heck of endeavor, it puts you into some eye opening situations. There are so many bright eyed bushy tailed people wanting to make cool shit. So much optimism, so much passion, so many good intentions. It's all doomed to failure, but it's cute in a way. Gamedev is a hellride. It's hard, it brings out the worst in people as projects fail, as good intentions fail, as the shit hits the fan and you find out there are many sides to people, that most people aren't made out for the long haul, that many will point fingers and find any reason to blame everyone else but themselves. You get backstabbed many times if you have any spine at all in this industry, if you stand up for making a good product amidst the smarmy, cowardly jokers, and sometimes you just get caught up in the landslide. 

Spend enough time in gamedev and it would crush your faith in humanity, it will make you value the teams that work, it will make you value everything created in human history that took creativity and teamwork through highs and lows to produce to make the world better. It will give you a new perspective on how fragile trust is, how fragile forward progress is, how hard it is to find people with the grit and determination to suffer through the muck to create something of value.

Generations of gamedevs labored to bring us through so many revolutions of tech, better products, better games, they would be worldwide phenomenons that would make the world better for so many people. But the path to hell is paved with good intentions. Their sacrifices were not documented, they were not exciting to most, they labored in the darkness, unknown to make something great, suffering their own and their teams fallibilities, but were human enough, and strong enough to move past them for the greater good.

I've seen from so many angles the fragility of this industry, of the people within it. The gaming industry was the perfect canary in the coalmine of things to come, because of how fragile it was. Because of how fragile the people within it are. Because of how grand this endeavor is and how prone to failure each and every project is. If you want to learn human fallibility, greed, hubris, cowardice, brown nosing, tribalism, finger pointing, over a years long hellride of incompetence, join a game studios, chances are pretty good you will learn how getting the most gung ho, talented, smartest and hardest people in a building, and squander it all to produce mass human suffering and failure.

Gamedev like most everything in this world was taken for granted. "We can do better" we can do greater things by reinventing the wheel, we're going to do it our way to show how much better we are, we're going to make all the monies, we're going to enact all the positive change in the world, we're going to show how utterly stupid everything that was done before was by not conforming to those evil ways, by not subserving to evil, by being rays of sunshine as we sing Kumbaya in this world we take totally for granted.

You're welcome to judge me in any way you feel obligated to from the above paragraphs, everyone does, everyone did. No one likes the person who doesn't agree in the same things, as people begin to form their hive mind, as anyone who disagrees about anything starts looking like an "other" the cult begins to form, and slowly every day everyone becomes more aggressive, and judgmental of others, even as the boat sinks into the ocean.

I remember when I was young, me my brother and my sister were on a paddle boat for the first time, we were having a blast, love them both, but we were having an argument about who was actually steering the boat because they were doing a terrible job. They were in the back and I was in the front and they kept bitching I was making the bot go left and right. We were all very stubborn. I said, "OK! If I'm the one steering and making us go left or right all the time, then if I keep paddling here on this side and you guys do nothing, the boat will turn left and we won't crash into this submerged tree directly in front of us and fall into the water." For some reason they agreed to this stupid test and we all ended up in the river.

"SEE I WAS RIGHT! EVERYTHING WENT TO SHIT!"

That's how I feel about the world right now, only I don't want to paddle into a tree, I don't want to be right, I wish everything was getting better. I wish everyone was living better lives, I wish I was utterly wrong about how fucked the world is in all the ways I felt it was, all the incompetent bleeding hearts driving everything to hell, unhinged by years of going down the rabbit hole of decrying everyone else, too proud to even ENTERTAIN THE NOTION they could be wrong. Everyone else is evil, everyone else is wrong. When we are wrong it's by accident, when others are right it's because they are terrible people.

I wish I could just paddle hard and get around that nasty tree in front of us, and here I am paddling and paddling as life passes me by, as everyone else lives their cush lives, as everything goes to shit, and life passes me by. But I can't help but see those same fallibilities i've seen in people elsewhere, I can't unseen the hidden darkness I see growing in every corner where I could get a decent job and live a decent life. I would be feeding the beast just like everyone else. And I know sitting here laboring on this stupid fucking fish game, that not only do people see me as a dumb fuck loser, but also someone who isn't on the right "team", someone who goes against the grain because they are evil and must be canceled.

There is so much vitriol, so much decay, so much rot.

The very heart of our society has gone to hell, it's going to get worse. And people are so brainwashed they are cheering it on. We're all going to suffer more and regress for the greater good. We're all going to cancel others and destroy their lives for the greater good. We're all going to march to the predefined market places and purchase the acceptable product as everything falls to ash made by those who will not rock the boat, by those who will ensure the crazed, lunatic, self absorbed in-crowd that got us to this terrible spot risk no chance of having to compete against better products, who do not risk a shake up that could fix our course.

Too many implicated for any positive change to be allowed. Corruption is just the status que. So year after year the tendrils spread, they infect more and more as more become accustomed to this scent of rot, it comes with a paycheck, it comes with feelings of virtue. Too many lemmings too far up their own ass to dare risk going down the rabbit hole of, "What if this is all bad in the long run?". Too much ill gotten cheese to risk losing family and friends who all believe these same inanities. 

"All this hate, all this doom, all this machinery designed to shred wrong thinkers to puss, SURELY it must be right. I would be a terrible person to have gone along with all this, THEY are obviously the terrible ones."

The most remarkable thing to me about humanity, is the sheer number of people who are totally incapable of any self reflection at all, totally incapable of the long term ramifications of their actions. Just drones along for the ride, hitching a ride on the largest shark that swims by that will have them. Totally content with all the other fish being churned to much, never thinking about change or taking a stand, or the workings of the world. They live their entire lives believing they are the good guys as they tend the cogs in the meat grinders. Hell, most people these days don't do anything, they service some insane mechanism that no longer serves any purpose at all, they call roll call, they show up on time, they get their little allotment of $$$ that's just enough to afford them a house and a car and food for a family, or vacation money if they don't have one. Just a big nanny machine devoid of purpose to keep us occupied as the conductor sits long dead in the driver's seat.

There are a great many people who are destroying this world who do not realize it. They are weak, they do not question things, they do not suffer things, they believe everything is perfect and take everything for granted, and greedily watch as everything deteriorates for fear of shame by the mob. For fear of so obviously believing a destructive and foolish lie. For fear of the hordes of others who will cut them down for not thinking exactly as they do, those who are capable of the cancelings they relish in. They dare not suffer that for themselves, that's for the other.

I generally try to steer clear of such touchy things. I have sacrificed several years of my life to this project, I would like to make a positive impact in this world. I don't want weaponized politics to rob this world of any more potential goodness, even if it's my own feeble attempts. I hope this post doesn't somehow get my account banned, though I realize that's a distinct possibility.

It's not like anyone reads this anyhow though, so it's not like this is any sort of courageous stand, or even an idiot ramble. Just a blather in the wind.

I wish the world wasn't so cowardly, so tribalistic, so ungrateful, so stupid, so weak, so vile, so eager to slit their fellow man's throat for fleeting feelings of virtue.

Suppose as my life, my health, the world seem to be unraveling, I felt like just letting it all hang out if just one time.

===THE PLAN!===

RIGHT NOW: GET SOME EXCERSIZE YOU SLOB. YOUR BRAIN WON'T WORK IF YOUR BODY ISN'T WORKING, U SHIT

IN A FEW DAYS: PLAY FISH GAME, TAKE A FEW NOTES, FIX A FEW TINY THINGS, THEN BRAINSTORM BIG THINGS

AFTER THAT: MAKE FISH GAME NOT DOG SHIT

ONWARDS AND UPWARDS FELLOW WORTHLESS SHITS!

(You can post any music video at all, because if it's relevant, great. And if it isn't, you can just say, I'm posting this ironically, or this is how I view everyone else. Or maybe this is sarcasm. I don't even know anyome. In Flames is the shit though. I'm so fucking confused by this shitty fucking stupid world)