I've recently set some rules about only blogging when I'm getting progress on the game done, or to have a winning attitude because "play the game" and all that BS. I feel like blathering, so imma blather, and i'm gonna get to work on the game soon, DAG NABBIT!

Some days I feel like a beast going on weeks and months at a time of just pounding out gamdev. And then I hit a wall, and i become this worthless nothing fading away, Jeckyll and Hyde.

When you get older in life, things start gettin' taken from you, that’s just part of life. But I took on this gamble and this large project thinking i’d be an unstoppable force that could steamroll towards across the finish line. And for a while that's what I was, job to job, project to project all the way up through the fish game. I took on this project because I full of piss and vinegar and fancied myself pretty damned good at this stuff. Now my joints kinda ache sitting at this damned desk all the time, my vision is blurring a bit, have to strain harder to read the code, I get headaches just trying to look at the monitor and the words and formulas are a bit harder to process than just a few months ago. The forward momentum is harder to keep going when the demands are exponential and your body and mind succumbs to ever-looming entropy.

I realize this isn’t the strong new years post I should be making, but it is what it is and if nothing else, I try to be straight up.

But considering I'm fighting an increasingly batshit, stupid world, this is less of a fatal decline and more a fair fight against tribalistic dumb fucks, though they do have all the markets sewn up and all the money and power. That does make this fight a bit of a PITA.

I still take solace that I am solely trying to make a good game without any card tricks or BS. And if I ultimately fail it will have been with good intentions while churning myself in the meatgrinder and not pushing anyone else in in my stead.

This post is not an indication of surrender! Gonna get more exercise, going to stop stressing about stupid crap, and going to get back to work very soon. Lots of real life stuff going on right now which is annoying, but that won't last forever.

It’s easy to imagine a world where none of this madness happened, where none of the backstabbing's or exploitations or bullshit gripped us all, to wonder what could have been and what prosperity could have been lived in my best years. But this is the mindset that has ruined the world. If you think everyone else gives a damn, has the same vision for the project and are going to help take it to the finish line, you also welcome wolves through the gates, you take success for granted, you start to drink your own koole aide and not take on the harsh reality.

For the first time, i must admit that I’m not so gung ho about the future. I used to think to myself “oh this might fail” but I had a naïve optimism one way or another things would work out. I'm a lot more jaded now, a bit wiser to the stupidity of the world, I can honestly say I see total failure as a real possibility due to the greater madness, to which I am certainly part. Life's a gamble.  

I’m not sure if this new outlook is a good or bad thing, probably bad. I may have to work on getting that hopeless optimism back because it’s the only way this damned thing reaches the finish line.

I need to take a step back. I’m 90% up the mountain, just a bit further, and there's more than enough stupid left in me to force myself up the damned thing.

Taking a “fuck the machine and screw all the monopolies and gatekeepers” was probably dumb AF in hindsight, but here we are. Imma just focus on making the game better and not regret this stupid fucking world as best as I can with all this insanity horse shit breathing down all our necks day after day.

Just writing this blogpost is a good sign work will start up very soon, as my mind calibrates itself to the target. 

I’m not running at 100%, but I ain’t dead either, if I can get up to 70% for just a couple weeks I think I can carry this sum’bitch cross the finish to maybe find a publisher in this crazy world. 

It’s easy to obsess over the lack of a modicum of success presently. But it’s not the end of the world. Every step of the way i’d wished I’d had more support, backing, and hands on deck. But then SeaCrit wouldn’t be where it is today, I genuinely think it’s becoming quite good, though I very well may just be crazy.

Too much invested to give up now, too much on the line. Just gotta stay focused, can’t get distracted…