This is a blog for no one with dev sessions watched by a fraction of that audience. And that's ok.

The blathers here are proportional to the time I devote to the project, but the past couple days have been a nightmare I don't even want to talk about. I've 16+ hours deconstructing the project, building a web build, uploading it here to itch, trying it on my phone, and going insane as again and again everything I try does nothing to remedy the core lag on input down and input up on touch devices.

I was certain that I had isolated the issue at one point, I had a handful of components left, that I had meticulously decoupled from other elements so i could strip the project to its bare elements and find where the problem was coming from, only a few scripts remained. And this I looked at this thing that had this bizarre "aether" script on it and it did all this event nonsense that when I thought about it, SURELY was the fucking problem. IT'S GENERATING INFINITE EVENTS, those half assers probably threw it in the project randomly took their money and ran. 

Suffice to say that wasn't the issue,  hell if I know what it is. We humans are very good at outsourcing our accountabilities, at making enemies of others so we can lash out and absolve ourselves of our own responsibilities, of acting a fool so others will lash back and in our own minds warrant our fury. We are very good at destroying each other as all we have worked for hangs in the balance.

When the pressures on and you're trying to get shit done and survive, everything feels like an outside threat, everyone feels like they're stabbing you in the back. I thought back on all the madness I've been through at so many studios and try to keep a level head. Not that I'm working with anyone now, but anger and resentment aren't good for any project ever. 

There are lazy shitbags all over the place in all sorts of studios and positions, don't let that poison the well, there are just as many people busting their asses bailing water on this sinking ship of fools. There's some shit code in this game from those guys, but the project is sailing forward today because they also did some great work and gave a damn, no point harping on the bad.

"Not a good plan": I was starting to feel invincible, dev was going so mind blowingly well, I figured by sheer luck I was going to bet it all on black and come out on top. I've now burned 2 full days of dev chasing down a bug out of my hands that sprung up randomly as I migrated to webGL, so I had no frame of reference. I couldn't jsut think of the recent things I'd been working on and find the needle in that modest haystack. It could be anywhere, in fact for all I know it's totally out of my hands and something on Unity's end. I knew this going in, I knew I could make 100% tangible gains elsewhere on the game, but I just so wanted this game to be 100% playable on the phone, it would be so fucking badass if anyone anywhere could just come to this page, click a button, and be playing SeaCrit within a few seconds.

ANWAY!

Onwards and upwards. The game is semi playable on phone in the webGL and FULLY playable in the standalone build. PC's can play it damn near perfectly in the web build, just some sound streaming hiccups here and there I believe. This is far more than was possible months back, so I'm just goign to be grateful and get back to polishing the core game.

It's silly making these blog posts for no one. But the invisible audience gets me through some long work days. Some time back I put together a little tutorial on prefab usage, and I started doing a bit of screen recording in Unity, and for old times sake I figured hey i'll record a dev session so years from now I can look back on the video and reminisce as people do. Well something kinda neat happened when I did the recording, I felt this need to "show off", to work faster, to work longer, I didn't want me 15 years from now (fingers crossed I make it that far) to look back and think, "eh I was slacking", and if I ever sought publishing or coworkers, I wanted proof "Yes I handled this shit, we're in a good spot let's kick some ass" so I went hard. And after the video was done not only did I have tangible progress on the game but I had a tangible video proving I'm putting my all into this shit.

So yes the audience is an illusion? Who gives a darn? It works, it gets results. I'm a dumb fuck neckbeard living in a basement as life bleeds away making videos for no one, with delusions of grandeur... for now, as I near the end of this project, best to let the delusion roll

Some life shit popped, I don't like to get into this stuff because there is already too much drama in this world, too many people leveraging their personal bullshit and family to try to fuck over others or get theirs, it's a big con and no one focuses on getting their fucking job done as the world goes to shit among drama artists. But this has been weighing on my mind a lot and I feel compelled to talk about it so fuck it, this one time deep into a blog no one reads I'm going to do some personal blathers.

It's been really fucking selfish of me to take this all on and reckless as hell. I've strained my family, I've abandoned my responsibilities, I've used this project as an excuse to fade away, hidden in this cave to avoid any accountability as I exploit those around me who are too kind to give me any shit. I've been a real selfish, awkward fuck all my life. "It's ok so long as the game is successful", that was true maybe 2 years ago. 

At this point it is what it is. If I hold myself to any level of accountability I can't put the blame on this mad at the world, I've created this shitty situation and others who are dependent on me are suffering for it and who knows what repercussions they will face because I'm a selfish, autistic fuck who can't be bothered to function in this world. And I'm a hypocrite for blathering this emotional appeal. It's remarkable how similar we all are, playing these silly emotional games, making our little plays, trying to frame everyone as the bad guys as we do so f or selfish gain. It's a fine line between a victim and a bully, cowards who use the empathy of others to weaponize others against their perceived enemies.

I don't know if it's self absorbed notions that are compelling me to put my head down and just keep pushing forward, or if I'm genuinely close to bringing this all together. I'm pretty sure it's both. I hope it's both. I think about the awkwardness, the obsessiveness, my inability to just go with the flow that everyone else seems so well equipped for, my recklessness. It's all done so much damage to this point, but at the same time, maybe it can be the fuel that carries this project across the finish line. So full force into this son of a breach.

I genuinely think the game is going well, there are a million little tiny things to sort, but getting closer by the day. I've been doing lots of recordings, can't upload a lot of sessions because I'm trying to find a way of stripping the audio I accidently left on that'll get me copywrite struck on YouTube. And some days the recordings just randomly go off, so i've decided that every 3 hours i'm going to stop the video and start it again, and then I'll have video "chunks" and it wont be all my eggs in one basket, for the audience that doesn't exist!

I'm pretty frustrated about some shit going on, the dumb fuck me of not too long ago would fuck off to a liquor store and drink away my worries like an entitled child. I'm going to channel this frustration into the project, because if I can pull this grand scheme off maybe I can start working to make things right and I feel as though I'm knocking on the door of this all coming together.

Gonna let this breakfast settle, gonna brew some coffee, gonna throw myself to the grinder, gonna link the hardest, cheek clapping metal the world has ever heard:

None one's coming to save us. Stop acting a fucking victim and handle shit.