Not looking to be too melodramatic, but in the absence of getting work done today, I figured at the very least I could run my mouth online and make a total ass of myself (what else is new?)

Firstly, GETTING TO WORK AGAIN SOON! Excited for the trajectory of the project and maybe this being somewhat playable soon. Might have a new build up quietly by the end of the week.

But what a time to be an indie dev... or just be. On one hand all the game studios are putting out absolute crap games, so hey, maybe us outsiders have a chance to pick up the slack. But all the markets are more stale and compact than ever, games from outsiders don't even see the light of day. It's a big club, and we're not in it. The consumers have been conditioned not to go look for games in other places. Everything is entrenched, everything is in this methodical state of decline in one manhandled direction.

It is and has always been so incredibly eerie to me how little of why things are the way they are is debated and settled upon, everything dressed with lies and half truths. Remember when everyone decided games would just be free to play? Hey no more movies! No more having a life! No more just enjoying the world, we have to create a lot of things for you to be angry about other people with. The world feels so much more spiteful and coercive today. It felt like the people in the drivers seat decades ago wanted us to do well and be happy, but not any more.

We live in this world where all the empires of industry devise schemes to build a larger and larger empire to produce more and more goods, but somewhere along the line something shifted, something went amiss. No longer do we build large empires to produce amazing things in this grand competition of making each others' lives better, grateful in having more than the prior generation. No longer do we have grateful individuals in positions of influence tending the levers.

There's now this disconnect, there seems to be an us vs them mentality pervading every aspect of our lives, deeply seeded in our entertainment and political sectors. Like some great war rumbling under the surface fueled by some kind of ubiquitous grievance that can never be uttered. And it's driving me absolutely fucking crazy, because I have no idea what the future holds and why. It's like we're all paying for the sins and accusations of others in a world where no one dare whisper it. The world has gone absolutely insane at the hands of those who deal in shadow.

And I'm just sitting here trying to make this retarded game about fish. Life is strange.

Year after year the schemes become more absurd, no one makes anything anymore. Decay and destruction are the business of the day. 

Money tends to have a supremely corrupting power that grows more intense generation to generation, it influences not only the affluent, but also those in their sphere, and those in their sphere and there is this cascading effect where one day you wake up and if you're not a back scratcher, if you're not playing "the game", you don't fit into the world. Just a butt of some kind of cruel joke.

I say it all the time, I've blathered this all before, but this is what's on my mind so there it is. I have this idiotic notion that if I can figure out what the problem is, maybe I can solve it, maybe I can find a way out of this hell. But you can't solve the world being insane and populated by people with as many faults, prejudices, and idiosyncrasies that you have, the world is what it is.  Knowing the truth of this madness actually has the opposite effect, you'll just freeze up and accomplish nothing. So it's a lot better to just put your head down and create your own little song of madness before this little experience snuffs out and hope for the best, hope you're in the right place at the right time and not the contrary, because none of us have any control of the world around us.

There are great actors out there who didn't slob the right knob at the right time to get that part that would have kick started their career, there are fantastic coders who didn't kiss the right manager's ass to get on their dream project, potential writers who didn't read the right book at the right age. 

More and more at this ripe age I see the truths others have known for so long. "Fake it till ya make it", "showing up is 90%", "you gotta charm your way in". The world is run by bullshitters, and at any given moment they are conniving to take everything over and ruin everything so there's no point in caring so much. This is why I feel i'm finally starting to kinda get the world. 

There are no answers to complex questions, no grand human condition to understand. Once you let go of trying to have answers you see there are only problems, problems created by crooks, hypocrites, and liars... all of us. No one is in charge, the pendulum swings, sanity and truth ebbs and flows, as generational change slowly shifts through the various events and tragedies created by our dumb asses. The only constants are death and taxes.

I'm just sitting here hoping somehow the world unf*cks itself and the fish game can have a shot, but that seems unlikely, we're all strung up in such a frenzy it doesn't feel as though things will unwind. I'm still shocked by just how gullible everyone is, how hateful, how little time it takes until people will throw their friends and coworkers under the bus. How easily we are made into attack dogs, top to bottom, fueled by others' scorn and projections. 

Everyone's a fool, everyone's a liar, everyone's on the easy road, everyone's hiding under their desk as the building slowly burns while ivory tower socialites shout down their grievances like marching orders. It's enough to make you go fucking mad as the do nothing back scratchers busy themselves with tearing everything down like absolutely nothing is wrong.

Ok, that's enough bitching an moaning to last a week. Tomorrow WORK!