Sometimes I wonder if I blather too much, but it's not like anyone's forced to read these blurbs from the void, so whatever.

It's so weird to be working on multiple systems at once spending days making items, then spending days to develop the item modifiers and bonuses that will plug into those items, and then working on spawn systems...

A thought crossed my mind earlier today, I've never actually played SeaCrit. I spent 5 years trying to create Seacrit. I've played amalgamations of failed systems that I hoped would show the potential of what SeaCrit could be, but I've never actually played the game. I'm probably not articulating this well, but it's bizzare to be working deep on some digital mumbo jumbo that you have no idea if it will be as fun as you hope. You think the other systems are coming along alright, you think they're going to be fun (why the hell would you be adding them if they weren't?), but for all you know, you'll add the stuff in and it'll just stink. 

Imagine you spent 5 years building a house, and there were no tried and true methods or regulations, and then you when you finally got the drywall up, you insulated it, you fitted the doors, you painted everything, put the windows up, install the electrical, and you went to open the door triumphantly and the whole fucking thing just caved in on itself. That's kinda where I feel I'm at right now.

If it's dog shit, I think I can live with that. I can walk away with solace that I gave it my all but this isn't the path for me.

If it's good and finds success, WOOOooooooooooooooooo! 

But what nags at me, is that I'll think it's almost good enough, and I will pursue this  forever with ever growing burnout. That this will never end or improve and I'll forever be stuck in this limbo of trying to polish this turd forever as life slips by.

And I think this is the true despair that can kinda set in, once you've enthusiastically put the game out a few times only to find out it's not nearly as good ad you think it is. At some point your brain begins to calibrate properly how far away you are from the game that you had in your head, the game that was polished, fun, and digestible. And you will have sacrificed so much by the time you obtain this vital perspective, it can be hard to give it up, the whole "sunk cost" fallacy thing.

I'm kind of dreading finishing these systems, because what if when I finally sit down to tweak them and finally make this a "game" it's not as good as it has to be? 5 years in at this point. I've almost typed out "5 years" before in prior blogs, but I always stopped myself, because it's so damned embarrassing that I would even let things go this fucking long, because it's hard to accept how much time is gone into the ether, but there it is. Five fucking years slowly regressing, making this stupid fish game. I'm so fucking melodramatic, but it is what it is.

I had a solid day of work today, which I'm grateful for (link will work once uploaded). I feel as though I'm 2 days away from the next demo. I said this 2 weeks ago. But it's a huge improvement from saying I'm 2 weeks away a year ago, so that's progress I guess. Things could be worse, I'm still optimistic things can go well, I'm stilling having sprints where I get 8 hour days where I absolutely crush it and whip up a ton of code and design for several days at a time with huge progress. 

I may be down, but I'm not out this bitch just yet.