I close my eyes and I imagine a different world, where there is a defined process for getting your game funded, without the noise, without the nostalgia bait, without the various closed markets. You make a solid game, if it's going well, you're given a little help, and it's transparent and you feel as though you have an achievable end goal, you feel as though you are on a defined path with defined rules.

There is no defined path, there is only a mounting wall of insanity that stands between you and somehow finding a way to make a living for all your years of hard work.

That's how it feels anyhow, maybe I'm being melodramatic, but things just seem so bizarre in the gaming space of 2022. When I started this game minecraft had gone big, terraria was smashing records and everyone seemed excited to see what the next big indie smash was going to be. It was a much brighter world back then, less mired by ideological pressures. We wanted good games and that was that, and it seemed relatively sane with decent games doing pretty well and indie devs popping up all over making a living.

Everything feels more cold and manufactured now. I've tried not to stew on these things, as it doesn't help me work on the project, but at some point you have to face the realities of the world we live in if you wish to bring your project into that world. Been working in this cave a long time, don't have any connections, don't know how to market, don't know how to get the game out there, it's all kind of terrifying if I'm honest.

I never wanted to be that guy who would place blame elsewhere for his failures, "MY GAME'S GREAT THE SYSTEM IS RIGGED! THAT'S WHY I FAILED." But as I begin to reach the next milestone I do kinda wonder, "Am I doomed before I even put the game out there?". I just don't know where outside indie devs fit into gaming any more, I don't feel as though I connect with any gamedev communities or studios.

I just feel like an utter outsider in an industry so heavily gatekept and monopolized and this weighs heavily on the mind and can often prevent you from having the energy to move forward, so again, I try not to think about this crap too much.

Nothing to be done about it really, just felt like venting a bit (I realize I am procrastinating, but it is what it is).

I do take solace that I think the game is finally becoming decent, but I am also terrified of having other people play it. I used to get so excited when I would share it with others, couldn't wait to hear, "Yeah it's good!", and time and again I found that the game wasn't quite as good as I was hoping. After being so many years down the rabbit hole and being so damned burned out, the thought of being given any substantial ammount of critical feedback can feel like a gut punch, because I'm just becoming so incredibly burned out. The periods I can't bring myself to work on the project are getting more frequent, and the periods of time I need a break before I can work again get longer and longer. BUT, the game IS getting better... I think.

Things I'm terrified of:

1. The game just sucks (obvious). In which case I need to cut my losses and move on with my life, accept I've squandered a bit of time and pick up the pieces.

2. The game is pretty good but needs work. I need to pick up the pieces and accept that this will take longer before it has any chance of success. I will have to face burnout for all eternity, this hell ride goes on.

3. The game is good, but the world rejects it because "f@ck you it's 2022" and we destroy people's lives for petty reasons now. This is such a touchy subject to talk about, because the world has gone absolutely batsh@t crazy the past few years. I don't recognize the world we live in any longer, and I do not partake in the madness: the cancelling's, the tribalism, and in rejecting this, a great many people think you're evil, and need to be othered, shunned and everything you create must be rejected. 

I'm already being on the outside working on this from a cave, already having no connections, already having no idea WTF I'm doing... knowing the whole world is bloodthirsty to cancel people they don't even know keeps me up at night. This is the thing that I feel is out of my control, I can work to improve the game, I cannot change how my brain works, I cannot change the world that judges people so harshly in the modern climate. I get so flustered thinking how much easier everything would be, how much more likely success would be, if I bought into all the same stuff, if I sided with the doctrines in the tech space. I can't do that, I'm not wired to blindly follow the masses, even if that means a comfortable life, and it's so fucking frustrating to think that I, and others in my life who depend on me may have to suffer because of this bullshit tribalism.

I also worry that I will make a shitty game, and blame its failure on bogeymen in my own head. I don't know what to think any more. I am excited that the game may finally be kinda good, and I'm looking forward to getting feedback after all these new elements are in, and terrified everything will be ripped to shreds by all the insanity in the world, or by my own delusions.

Kinda just bracing for pain or disappointment one way or another, which kinda sucks, because when you're trying to go the distance and make a great game, you gotta reach down and find that industrious spirit that says "The game's going to kick ass, and you're going to kick ass making that game." The world in which you could have this mentality is a bit of a distant memory these days though. Strange fucking days we live in... it's such a fuckin shame.

Anyhow, couple videos of some solid work I've been getting done lately: