HOLY SHIT, I GOT WORK DONE TODAY. IT'S A GA'DAMN MIRACLE!

You don't usually think of gamedev as being emotional, but I put on some music I hadn't listened to in forever because I got tired of listening to Metal as I worked and it really reminded me of the old days and opened the floodgates to things I hadn't remembered or felt in a while... back when things were better, when there was so much to look forward to, things were on the up and up. 

They don't make music like they used to... Lots of memories of old friends, acquaintances, family, and coworkers and kinda went down some old roads as I worked with the music as a vehicle. 

So yeah, easy to harp on regret, easy to think about the wasted years, the decline. But whatever, I kicked some ass today, and I felt like I was in solid form getting things done, so I'm holding on to some optimism for the future that I haven't totally squandered everything just yet. That I've still got some elbow grease in me to make this game great and maybe even more games in the future, still capable of feeling human emotion should I ever leave this cave, if this craziness ever ends or the right eyes get on the project. Or who knows... maybe things go well and people decide to shit all over everything because that's the world we live in now. 

I hate what all the bullshit and tribalism has left us and I'm not sure if I'm part of the cure or the disease any more. If you get too pissed and shitty about people  being pissed and shitty, you aren't exactly helping things, and it feels like we're all swept up in this inevitable torrent of anger and othering at this point, like things are so far gone there's no going back, just deeper into the void of animosity and fracturings as everyone and everything that started this downward trend double down. But it was good to remember how things used to be, how good things could be again if we were to ever get our shit together.

Things are increasingly nonsensical, but the game continues to get better. It's crazy how hard writers block hits, and I become utterly and wholly worthless, and I wonder what I'm doing with my life with all the free time, and I think about how worthless I am, and how I'm failing everyone around me, but inevitably the energy comes back and I've got gas in the tank again and I know I'm about to kick some ass for days or weeks on end even if it's without a paycheck.

I'm pretty excited, because today I got done all the annoying shit I wanted to get done, got all the core systems in and ran into some bugs and got them fixed up, and got the gating mechanics in, so everything feels like it's lining up. It's so satisfying to try to get a specific partition of work done in a set amount of time and you end up getting damn near that exact amount of work done. Makes you feel like you're finally figuring out wtf you're doing and somewhat in control of your destiny as you slave away as you try not to notice the decline, the days slipping away that will never come back...

Again, bittersweet. Feels really good to get work done, thankful to be back in the groove, think I can keep this up at least another week and that should be enough time to get the new version out, stealth post it on here, and hopefully send it off to some close friends and family and hopefully they finally think it's not total crap. I'm pretty sure It's not total crap at this point.

I was stoked I got a video made of the work done, but for whatever reason it was only about half the session, maybe I hit the wrong button on accident or the recording crashed, but a lot of the work got lost. Oh well, what matters is the work is getting done.

(currently uploading)

The shitshow goes on... fuck the world